Zune You Motherfucker! -- Chuck's Bullshit Product #1

Like a piece of shit, will the Zune sink or float when dropped in the dunnyIn an act of defecating, Microsoft dropped its new Zune media player on to the US market last week. Billed by Microsoft marketing morons as 'The iPod Killer', Zune is the latest substandard product that will surely make anyone who buys it, want to take an axe to it, or feel like they have been raped with a cheese grater. Why you ask? Well...

1. If you are a Windows user and have bought your music through the iTunes Store equivalent, Play For Sure, your music will not work on the Zune. Play for sure? My dog has Hitler's brain. What are these guys thinking? Again Microsoft just want to fuck up another person's life.

2. Microsoft has more money than almost any company on the planet and they could not even bribe anybody to give Zune a kind review. I have not found one and a biased MSNBC did not even get hard or wet.

3. Zune is not compatible with the new Windows Vista that will be released in January and can't be updated via a software update. iPod will be.

4. It comes in Black, White or Brown. Sorry 'Suede' as described by Micro$oft.

5. Zune has wireless sharing compatibilities for songs. Thing is that you can only share songs purchased on the new Zune Marketplace for either three days or three plays. Similar to going to a prostitute. "You can only go for fifteen minutes or until you blow." A mate once told me.

5.5 Microsoft's new Digital Rights Management (DRM) software thwarts people from sharing. The rights will differ for every song depending on what agreement Microsoft has with the artist.

On Fortune online, a Microsoft spokesperson said "DRM is complicated and not all artists and labels adhere to the three days and three plays guidelines. Basically, you don't know what the rights are unless you right-click to check every song."

Therefore the easy music sharing is a lie. Similar to Jimmy Swaggart telling his TV audience that, "God knows how much is in your bank account."

6. Zune does not work with Apple Computers. The iPod works with both.

7. Zune comes preloaded with Zune artists like Camilo Lara,The Little Ones, Benjy Ferree, Small Sins. Upbeat pop, introspective lyrical themes, cheery sounds all around. It does not come with viruses, malware or spyware. You get that when you plug it into a PC running Windows.

8. It is shit.

9. iPod's are way better.

10. It only comes with 30 gig of storage. iPod varies from 1 gig to 80 gig.

11. Microsoft's online media store is meager and miserly. It works on a points system. Another act of contempt from Microsoft. That way they will always have some of your cash and you will never ever get to use the full value of points you buy because of the way it is tiered. Pyramid selling re-branded.

I will be Frank tomorrow and honest now. If you are deciding between buying a Zune or an iPod, and you want to stick the wrong end of a pineapple up your anus or accept a ride ifrom Ivan Milat, then buy a Zune.