Kinko's World of Movies

Granma always goes a bit funny on a full moonLast Sunday, being a mild and sunny day in Autumn, I decided to do the only appropriate thing: pull down the blinds and indulge in some casual drug abuse while watching a couple of the movies that had been gathering dust on my shelf.

I’d been meaning to watch John Carpenter’s Prince of Darkness (1987) for some time now. I might have to sell my wife to pay the late fees at Kinko’s DVD Emporium, but at least I’ll be able to say I’ve seen the film.

The following is less of a review than a testament to being flabbergasted at the the sheer, hilarious badness of this film. It wasn’t even bad enough to be good. What is it about the 80s that prevented anything from being scary? Was it the moustaches? The stereotypical characters? The following may go some way toward answering that. Or maybe not, you be the judge.

If any of you are planning on sitting through this ridiculous film, first of all I say to you, don’t! And secondly, there are plot spoilers coming aplenty. If you can call the thin rail this film rides on a plot.

Santa Claus: no match for the Hammer.

I love the humour of 70’s blacksploitation films, Mel Brooks and early Woody Allen, so I had a few good laughs with this one.

This is a ‘Jewsploitation’ comedy. Now the good thing about this is, that we all know making fun of stereotypes has been funny for thousands of years and that this film is no exception.

The Hammer (Adam Goldberg) known to his mother as Mordechai Jefferson Carver, is as the tag-line says “Part man. Part street. 100% kosher”. The “certified circumcised private dick” is assigned to save Hanukkah, which is under threat from the evil son of Santa Clause, who dethroned the old man and is determined to put an end to the Jewish holiday.

Presented in dual-channel stereophonic Weird Vision.

Some killer, mostly filler, this film is quintessential sixties exploitation trash from the godfather and modern master of gore, Hershell Gordon Lewis. Lewis is the creator of the first ever gore movie, Blood Feast and the more popular She Devils on Wheels and 2000 Maniacs.

Made almost back to back after She-Devils on Wheels it was the success this film that gave Lewis a standing with his financiers and distributors where he “could do nothing wrong, absolutely nothing wrong.”

This may well be the problem. The Gruesome Twosome may be the work of a master, but it is far from a masterpiece.

Mark in better-lit surroundings.

Part live recording session, interview, documentary and retrospective, this is pretty much, Mark Holden unplugged. The intent was to create a dimly-lit ambience with royal blue velvet curtains and rustic unpainted walls of the George Ballroom: a candle-lit, laid-back acoustic atmosphere with dynamically and harmonically rich instruments such as cello, violin, accordion, mandolin, guitars and by some mind-bending twist of absurdity, Joel Turner's hip-hop style beat-boxing. Even reading his name on the jacket didn't prepare me for the alarming style clash.

Turner sits in on the entire session, and his contributions are peppered throughout the set, like a tablespoon of chilli powder delicately sprinkled over a lemon sorbet. At the conclusion of the first number, there was a slight indication Holden may have been questioning Turner's contribution, as he politely asked to him to stay in time and recommended the addition of some mouth clicking and popping, but leave out the imitation turntable scratches.

The mix of songs, featuring some of his early trademarks and assorted covers and originals is an eclectic but inconsistent selection, interspersed with archive footage including clips from Countdown and The Paul Hogan Show which really would have been better kept for the extras. They only added to the interrupted pace of the DVD and of the overall performance, which was continually held back by Holden's blabbering.

Da Hip Hop Witch - 2000

Genre : Comedy
Director : Dale Resteghini
Tha Playaz : Eminem, Ja Rule, Vanilla Ice.
Rated : R

I've seen pornos with more plot than this. What I meant to say is, I have seen one or two porn movies at friend's houses, they weren't mine, I swear. Anyway this film is pure masturbation. It was even recorded on Handi-Cam, sans the hand cream. Unfortunately this film offers no relief whatsoever.

What little resemblance of story that features in this film, centres around rappers accounts of their encounters with “Da Hip Hop Witch”. We all know that rappers love talking shit to whoever will listen. What is apparent here is that the director has pointed his camera at the rappers and asked them “Y'know Dawg, just say some shit about that witch, how she a bitch an she gonna fock you up, an all dat, knowhaimsayin dawg, sheet.”

She Devils: Better

than road rash. 

If you like psychedelic '60s exploitation cheap, camp ,trashy and nasty with more gender-political statements than you can poke whatever you've got at, then here's yet another cult-classic treat, new to the DVD format.

She Devils is a tale like many others told of rebel gangs on motorbikes causing trouble in a small town with their petty crime and their drinking, fighting, and fucking. But this time the traditional gender roles have been flipped. Many later films have done the same but this is arguably the first. Filmed and released in 1968 this story pre-dates attempts by Hollywood to tackle themes of female rebelliousness such the loathsome Thelma and Louise. One of the many reasons why She Devils is truly original.

The Man Eaters are an all-girl biker gang who won’t take any crap from a man, even if he does have a uniform and a badge. He’s still just a hunk of meat to be chewed up and spat out. This gang, of course, has its leader and lesser rivals struggling for power. But ‘Queenie’ (Betty Connell) rules her gang with a swinging belt chain and when it comes off, you know someone is about to get whipped into line. Tensions caused by gang rivalry are defused by racing one another on a disused landing strip. The winner has first pick of the ‘stud line’, a bunch of male groupies who hang around the Man-Eaters ‘club house’, waiting and hoping to be picked from the line-up by anyone but the big and tough Man-Eater, ‘Whitey’. Once the girls have chosen their play-thing for the night, the scene quickly becomes a hilarious fully-clothed orgy. People writhe around the floor uncontrollably and occasionally somebody will remove a t-shirt. We are treated to several of these orgy scenes, but what’s important about them is that you feel the sense of fun and playful innocence that runs throughout. Even though unconvincingly, these men are being dominated and used, then cast aside.

Being in a gang is all about fitting in, so when one of the girls stands out from the pack, inevitably there’s trouble. And when she breaks the gang’s code and picks the same guy from the stud-line for several nights, Queenie’s discipline comes swiftly and in cruel fashion. She is punished for having feelings for a man, beyond the purely carnal and is forced to drag the skin off her ‘sweetheart’ by tying him to the back of her motor bike then drive around their regular racing circuit. This torture scene is brutal, but mild in comparison to the decapitation of Joe-Boy, leader of a rival gang of guys who just can’t stand to see a bunch of chicks doing what they want, and getting away with it.

Genre: Mytho-Sci-Fi

Director: Yeah, right

Tha Playaz: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ian McDiarmid, Christopher Lee

Written by: George Lucas?

Rated: Take your kids, man. It ain't that harsh

Again, George Lucas has succeeded in creating a tribute to the former glory of Star Wars rather than a real prequel to the original concept that was, Star Wars.

Although, this film is superior in both emotional and visual atmosphere to the two previous prequels, it is, in no way, better than, or even equal to the Star Wars films of the past.

This just isn't the same. It's not a prequel. From a conceptual perspective, these films simply do not flow – regardless of 80s hair-cuts and other starkly obvious disregard for conceptual continuity, there's no way that future Star Wars virgins are actually gonna believe this, when they do watch this, in chronological order, from 1 to 6, THEY WILL KNOW that this is not, in any way, a fully realised, start to end, seamless flow that it's portrayed to be.