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Published on April 12th, 2006 | by Hans Fruck

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On The Verge, Issue #8

OIDOL / SINEAD / ROBBIE WILLIAMS / JOSS STONE / MOBY / MIKE MOORE / USURPER / CULT OF LUNA
Hmmm. I'll take the generic pop sandwich with a side boiled cabbage

Hmmm. I’ll take the generic pop sandwich

ANTHONY CALLEA STEPS OUT OF CASEY DONOVAN’S SHADOW

Instead of his rightful place as the in-house entertainment at his cousin’s restaurant, fun-sized Australian Idol also-ran, Anthony Callea, has continued to scale the heights of mediocrity by signing to Sony BMG with debut single, The Prayer, out on December 6.

“When I was told the news earlier today,” Callea said, “I was absolutely speechless! This is an absolute dream come true and I can’t wait to get into the studio and start recording.”

With Australian Idol winner Casey Donovan shitting out an album in a mere eight days, it seems Callea can take his sweet time in the studio, absolutely releasing an album early in 2005.

 

Sinead changes name to less pretentious Jean-Perrier St. Claire Bernadette Jesus Mary Cloud-Baldie

Sinead changes name to less pretentious Jean-Perrier St. Claire Bernadette Jesus Mary Cloud-Baldie

SHIT BY ANY OTHER NAME

Not content with ruining Massive Attack’s last album with her intensely irritating wailing about some injustice she’s suffered, everyone’s favourite crackpot has gone back to banging on about Catholics.

The renegade Irish priestess joined forces with fellow hand-clapping, tambourine-shaking Jesus freak Noirin Riain and one John Donohue, who is apparently a “spiritual writer” conscripted to intone words of deep Wonderment & Meaning on a CD in which Sinead sings over the top of The Monks of Glenstal Abbey.

We understand she’s also armed with a 12-string acoustic guitar and a book of modern hymns re-casting God as a friendly sandal-wearing bearded guy who’s down with all sorts of shit, and who now claims all that burning in hell stuff was just a big misunderstanding.

God, if you’re listening, grant me this one prayer: tell Sinead to stage her next tour on Punt Rd at say, 8.30am on a rainy Monday morning. Sit her in the fast lane below a hill crest, dressed in robes, facing the wrong way. End this madness once and for all.

Posthumous beatification is the best the label can hope for with this absolute stinker. But it’ll end up selling five millions copies, proving once and for all that we’re negative know-nothing creeps and that Wholesome Music will always find a Large & Wealthy audience. It’s out early December.

Cocky no-lipped motherfucker

Smug cocky no-lipped motherfucker

MISUNDERSTOOD TRANSLATIONS

Robbie Williams has opened an official download store via www.robbiewilliams.com to coincide with the November 22 digital release of his latest single Misunderstood, which is released December 6 in traditional format.

In a bid to decrease the likelihood of misunderstanding, we’ve translated some of the “technical” terms used by EMI’s press release.

If a fan (sadistic prick) purchases a Misunderstood bundle, they have the opportunity to recommend it to a friend (the opportunity to dupe a victim). If that friend (poor misguided soul) goes on to purchase the single (track purporting to be “music”), the fan’s reward is comical behind-the-scenes footage from the Misunderstood video shoot (the comedy presumably coming from the fact that Robbie’s a world-famous singer).

Mep-mep-mep-mep-mep-mep

Mep-mep-mep-mep-mep-mep

JOSS STICKS TO MUSIC ON DVD

Joss Stone’s DVD Mind, Body & Soul Sessions Live in New York City was recorded during her Irving Plaza show September 2004. New York Post’s Dan Aquilante gushes: “She delivered her music with the kind of gospel power and sultry vocals passion that invite comparisons to both Aretha Franklin in her prime and the late, great Janis Joplin.”

Thankfully the 17-year-old remains more reserved when talking about her music and tries to forget about music history altogether. “For me personally, Mind, Body & Soul is my real debut.” Rewind selecta! Considering her “unreal” debut, The Soul Sessions sold more that two million copies worldwide, it may be tougher to rewrite history than it will be to write that difficult 3rd debut album.

ADVERTISING INDUSTRY HOT FOR RIGHTS TO NEW MOBY ALBUM

When Moby was on tour a few years ago, he and his band would entertain themselves by playing a game called Celebrity Knobtouch. This involved secretly brushing an exposed penis against someone famous in a crowded environment. Although Moby needn’t unzip his pants for anyone to feel they are in the presence of a dick, this is possibly the most entertaining thing the diminutive techno light-bulb has managed so far.

But there are cars to sell and Moby has again been twisting the knobs, with new album, Hotel, out on February 27.

Ooooooooh so scary I'm gonna have nightmares

Ooooooooh so scary I’m gonna have nightmares

METALHEADS RECORD ALBUM AFTER QUICK TRIP TO DEED POLL

Earache Records announced a new album and lead singer for metalheads Usurper. And for the new hire, Dan Tyrantor, this probably means a new library card and drivers’ licence. Although these guys are soooo metal, they “wear their bullet belts and studs 24/7” we think they could have chosen a better metal name for the frontman after so many restless nights in uncomfortable sleep attire. When band-mates have names like Rick Scythe, Jon Necromancer, Carcass Chris and Joe Apocalyptic Warlord, the threat of tyranny is just plain piss-weak.

So here’s a few we came up with: Eric Entrails, Gary Gangrene, Sammy Syphilis, Alan Eater of Babies Rapist of Poodles, Cannibal Cameron Crunchy Dry Carrion etc etc.

Cryptobeast is out January 17.

Moore: complementary hotel cookies a basic freedom

Moore: complementary hotel cookies a basic freedom

MIKE MOORE SUSPECTED OF IDENTITY THEFT

Controversial film-maker Mike Moore has shocked residents of Flint, Michigan by attempting to pass himself off as political singer/songwriter Steve Earle.

Moore was besieged by an angry mob at a suburban petrol station after claiming he was entitled to a discount on the full tank of Premium he had just pumped into his Hum vee. “The revolution starts… now,” Moore stated as he swiped his Black Amex through the reader, “and incidentally folks, that’s the title of my latest hit album.”

When his credit was declined, Moore flew into a petulant frenzy, demanding that he be given special consideration on account of what the New York Daily News described as his “weariness, sarcasm, disgust and ultimately, a vulnerable hope.”

After a tense stand-off with local police, the chubby champion of the common man was taken into custody, insisting the whole fracas occurred after he merely stated, “If I were a rock star, I would be Steve Earle.”

Locals were unconvinced. “He tried it on at McDonald’s too,” said one, “When they open that Hum vee they’ll see it’s packed with Happy Meals. That lady must be suffocating in there.” Others blamed the cult of celebrity for the mix-up. “As if that guy pretending to be Scott Stapp from Creed weren’t enough… But Steve Earle?! My God. Is nobody safe?”

The real Steve Earle, who is busy working on the live video to his new single Rich Man’s War with acclaimed director Jonathan Demme, could not be reached for comment.

Even more scariness

Even more scariness

VIEWERS DWARFED BY VIDEO’S SHEER MAJESTY

According to the press release, post-hardcore rockers Cult of Luna were “showered with praise” — principally by their own record company, we imagine — when they released their first album for Earache Records in early 2003. They’ve now released their follow-up album, Salvation.

The single from Salvation, Leave Me Here, features “apocalyptic swathes of sound” and “heartrending vocals”. If apocalypse and heart trouble don’t activate your juicer, the single’s video clip, the presser assures us, will leave you “feeling dwarfed by the sheer majesty of what the band have produced”.

This sheer majesty consists of a “series of thought-provoking images”, namely, an old man in a taxi called Salvation, streets populated by monkey wrenches, and an old man being saved from drowning by an otherworldly figure… blah-blah-blah.

OK, our provoked thoughts are as follows: Cult of Luna, a little less time spent strumming the one-string wouldn’t go astray, dudes.


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