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Published on February 20th, 2006 | by Al. L. Torso

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On The Verge, Issue #62

PAM ANDERS / KRISPY KREME / RIP HST / RONALD MCDONALD A BISCUIT
Frontal lobes impressive

Frontal lobes impressive

PAMELA ANDERSON CALLS FOR STATE-OF-THE-ART SLAUGHTERHOUSES
During her whistle-stop, two-day promotional tour of Australia, Pamela Anderson “composed” a letter to the Prime Minister urging him to help stop the cruel practice of “mulesing” (where fly-blown sheep have the infected area cut out without the use of anaesthetic), and the exporting live sheep to the Middle East. She also called for Australia to develop “state-of-the-art slaughterhouses”.

Well, if you have to kill ’em, at least kill ’em in style. While Ms Anderson’s efforts are to be applauded, the irony of someone whose only real claim to fame is the mutilation of her own puppies going in to bat for animal rights is enough to have even Alanis Morrisette reaching for the dictionary. As anyone who has seen a fly-blown sheep will attest, any attempt to remedy this foul situation could not be any worse than what’s already going on. What’s more, Anderson also praised the awareness of Australian sheep-farmers who were avoiding the need for mulesing by practicing more “vigilant husbandry”. Something she may want to consider the next time she walks down the aisle with the likes of Tommy Lee.

The cops ready themselves to take down the bastard that bought the last custard creme.

The cops ready themselves to take down the bastard that bought the last custard creme.

CRIME INCREASE PREDICTED AS DOUGHNUT FRANCHISE OPENS

Community groups in the outer southeastern suburbs of Melbourne are warning of a dramatic surge in crime rates as the Krispy Kreme doughnut chain opens its first Australian outlet at Fountain Gate shopping centre in June this year. Residents are concerned that local police will be spending so much time at the 24-hour doughnut shop that reported crimes will go unattended. Narre Warren Residents Group spokesman Hans Jelkman said that while he welcomed the creation of 500 new jobs in the area, he feared that the outlet will become a “cop-magnet.”

“The police have enough distractions with McDonalds and Nandos,” Jelkman said. “Opening a doughnut shop in an area already crawling with cops is like throwing a hot chip into a flock of seagulls.”

In a carefully prepared statement, Senior Sergeant Deliria Bulldyke of Narre Warren Police Station, sought to allay community fears: “I put it to Mr Jelkman – or anyone else concerned with the efficiency of the local police force – that, just like most activity the police force undertakes, these concerns are absolutely unwarranted. It’s totally fantastic to think that a doughnut shop opening in the area will have any bearing on police productivity.”

Just like doughnut torture machine in Homer Simpson’s personal hell, the Krispy Kreme Fountain Gate store will be able to pump out 270 donuts per hour. As if that wasn’t tempting enough, the Krispy Kreme red neon Hot Light turns bright red when it’s producing their signature Hot Original Glazed Doughnuts. When the Hot Light is on, the store will offer a free doughnut to customers while they make their selection from a range of 15 available species of doughnut. Or in the case of the police, a free doughnut while they make their selection of free doughnuts.

Hunter S ThompsonHAVE A WHISKY FOR THE DOCTOR
Monday February 20 saw the first anniversary of the death of one of the 20th century’s greatest literary innovators and cultural iconoclasts, Dr Hunter S Thompson.  Known for such classics as Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and The Great Shark Hunt, Thompson is remembered for having created his own brand of first-person “gonzo” journalism, for his hard-drinking, gun-toting, drug-taking, outlaw lifestyle, and for his vigilant stance against oppression and injustice in modern America.

At age 67, Thompson took his own life in the kitchen of his Colorado home with a single gunshot after suffering a series of debilitating health problems. To mark the anniversary, his widow, Anita Thompson, has made available for download a never-before-seen photograph of the late Dr taken at the Chateaux Marmont in Los Angeles. The photo is available at www.gonzostore.com. Res Ipsa Loquitur.

MICROSOFT APPEAL FOR CALM AMID FURIOUS MS PAINT DEBATE
It seems the operating systems and software packages of Microsoft are not just popular with writers of malware, spyware and password-stealing trojans. One of the modest accessories of the Microsoft suite, MS Paint, has been fundamental in training “writers” of a different kind. Sometimes known as “spray-can artists” but more commonly referred to as “criminals” or “vandals”, these individuals were quietly working away on the software, honing their skills on features such as the “spray can”. For some it had been their only method of training in what Police spokesrobot described as “highly developed criminal techniques” in a popular form of expression that dates back to a time when primates first began to walk upright, leaving their hands free to use tools and weapons and, later, writing implements.

For some writers such as “Dizolv” and his close buddy “Bolox” it didn’t take long for the use of the software led to trouble.

“Fuckin Word! For real. I got home from school one day and could fully tell that someone had been in my room. I opened up one of my MS paint files that I’d being working on and no shit man, they were slashed by CTSA. The fucking transit cunce hacked my computer and capt my shit!” Transit Authorities strongly denied the allegations.

The Software giants’ hefty balls were on the chopping block today amid outcry that one of the most basic and fun parts of the Microsoft suite, is set to receive the big red “banned” stamp of the Classification Review Board. Australian Attorney General Mr C. Montgomery Burns said that while “normally reserved for pervy arthouse films” books, films and software titles were often refused classification “just to see Margaret Pomeranz vibrate with rage. But this time,” said the Attorney General, “I have it on good authority that there is a link between MS Paint and vandalism.”

MS Paint is the second game to be banned in a week after the Atari Australia title Marc Ecko’s Getting Up: Contents Under Pressure was refused classification. The Attorney General requested the board review the game’s MA15+ classification. He commented that the game, set in a city in the future where freedom of expression is suppressed by tyrannical government was “too realistic” and “promoted crime”.

mcdonalds-ronald-c-160x265VEGAN NOT LOVIN’ IT

Three McDonald’s customers in the US are filing lawsuits against the corporation after discovering its fries contain wheat and dairy products, despite being labelled “gluten and dairy free”.

“My client was under the impression that the fast food she purchased was entirely synthetic, and did not contain any natural produce that might inflame her slight food allergy,” said Thomas Pakenas, lawyer for one of the victims, who once suffered a gastrointestinal problem, possibly from eating regular food like wheat and dairy.

Pakenas’s client is not the only one with the shits: Nadia Sugich of Los Angeles, who is a committed vegan, is suing McDonald’s because she unwittingly ate a chip containing a milk flavour agent.

“For years I have been enjoying McDonald’s thickshakes, confident they contained about as much dairy as an apple. But after visiting their website, I was shocked to discover that they’d snuck milk into my fries – on the ingredient breakdown, ‘milk’ is listed right alongside Morphadastyrene Complex F7G, Gastroilathene K09 and Simple Retchazoilanine 8,” said Sugich.

“My body is a temple, and I have deep respect for all living things, which is why I choose to dine at McDonald’s. I just don’t know who I can turn to anymore… If McDonald’s is not above being a little secretive with the truth, then who is there left to trust in this world?”

Ronald McDonald, CEO of McDonald’s Corp, is rumoured to have been so outraged at the news of this latest rash of lawsuits that he burst into an Illinois outlet, violently dashed a cup of Coke from a four-year-old child’s hand, and grabbed another five-year-old in a headlock and started mashing a half-eaten burger into his mouth, screaming hysterically, “You don’t like the burger?! You don’t want my burger? Don’t eat the burger!” before kicking over a plastic pot plant, tearing down a framed scene of a Greek Isle and smashing it over his knee and storming outside.


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