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Published on April 12th, 2006 | by Hans Fruck

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On The Verge, Issue #20

SATANIC BERKS / MTV AWARDS / JOHNNY CASH / WORST. DIRECTOR. EVER. / JOURNO ARRESTED / SLAVA

 

Andrea Volpe: won't say no to a cone

Andrea Volpe: won’t say no to a cone

DEMONIC POSSESSION NOT COVERED BY ITALIAN PENAL CODE

While the devil may have the best tunes, he often inspires the stupidest musicians. An Italian court has been asked to sentence Italian Satanic metal berks Andrea Volpe and Pietro Guerrieri, members of black metal band Beasts of Satan, to extensive jail terms after they were accused of murdering fellow band members.

Musical differences can create tension in any band, but most opt to simply break up or ask the offending members to leave. Not these bozos: fellow Beasts, Chiara Marino and Fabio Tollis were found beaten and stabbed to death in a pit in woods near Milan.

Not content with leaving the bizarre antics up to the accused, the defence team requested an exorcist be called in to treat their clients. The judge, of course, rejected this idiocy out of hand, sensibly deciding that “demonic possession is not covered by our penal code.”

The best that Volpe and Guirrieri can hope for now is that they can summon the forces of darkness to protect them when Guido from D-wing decides to dish out his own personal brand of Satanism on their dumb arses.

61725_anna-nikol-smit_or_anna-nicole-smith_1600x1200_www-gdefon-ruANOTHER MEANINGLESS AWARD

Worn out your Paris Hilton video? Well, don’t despair, the MTV Australia Music Awards will fill the void. At this, the inaugural AVMAs, there is sure to be an entire Club X-worth of masturbation, self-fellating, and other wooing-type activities as “stars” and “celebrities” gather to serenade both themselves and each other. What’s more, the presence of Anna Nicole Smith, and her breasts, adds the kind of curvature that any self-respecting X-rater requires.

Proving that the Australian cultural cringe is alive and well, the awards will feature a string of US stars. And proving that the cultural cringe is probably justified are the string of Cornflakes-box soapie “stars” (Tammin Sursok, Natalie Bassingthwaite, and Blair McDonough) and Australian Idol luminaries (Shannon Noll and Anthony Callea) who will be in attendance.

The AVMAs will be held on March 3. You could watch them if you wanted to – just make sure you send your taste, your intellect, and your gag reflex on vacation first.

imgres-1A BIG BOX OF CASH

Inevitably, the death of an artist creates an hysterical demand for more material. So unsurprisingly, the demise of country music leviathan Johnny Cash in 2002 has prompted a deluge of previously unreleased, repackaged, remastered reissues.

Collected over his mind-boggling 50 year recording career, The Legend, is a four CD, 107 track set which features 12 unreleased cuts. An individually numbered, deluxe limited edition of 1000, which includes a coffee table book and DVD, will also be available.

Cash’s wife, muse and music legend in her own right, June Carter Cash has also been deemed worthy of the retrospective treatment with a 2-CD set Keep On The Sunny Side – Her Life In Music also available.

These things are never cheap, so luckily you have until June 7 to save up the cash for Cash.

Compensating for anything?

Compensating for anything?

FILM DISTRIBUTORS TALK TURKEY

Film director Hershell Gordon Lewis was the recipient of the “Worst Director of All Time” award at the Golden Turkeys in 1980. Given the prestige of this award, it’s not hard to understand the shock of film distributor Siren Visual Entertainment when it learnt that the OLFC had refused classification for Lewis’ horror “classic” The Gore Gore Girls. “We are absolutely stunned at the OFLC’s decision to refuse classification of The Gore Gore Girls”, stated a Siren spokesperson. “Why can’t the OFLC let mature adults make up their own minds about what they’d like to watch?” Can’t argue with that.

Nonetheless, when the film’s own distributor describes it’s product as “drive-in trash” and supports the film by citing its “cheap and nasty un-special effects, low production values, and super-cheesy soundtrack”, it’s difficult to get too outraged at the fact that we can’t see it. Who needs another film whose primary recommendation is its own shitfulness?

After all, we’ve got the entire Australian film industry for that.

YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSS!

Blink 182’s management has issued the following solemn statement: “For over a decade, Blink 182 has toured, recorded and promoted non-stop, all while trying to balance relationships with family and friends.

To that end, the band has decided to go on an indefinite hiatus to spend some time enjoying the fruits of their labors with loved ones.”

What you saying. I don't belieb any of dis, how you say, nonsense

What you saying. I don’t belieb any of dis, how you say, nonsense

BEAT JOURNALIST NABBED BY AIRPORT SECURITY

Prominent Beat writer and Man About Town, PK McCrack was intercepted at Tullamarine airport this morning after attempting to carry several loaded handguns and a large quantity of amphetamines onto a flight to Sydney.

McCrack was commissioned by a high-profile media organisation to test a brand-new experimental 50,000hp cigarette boat on Sydney Harbour. He was reportedly excited about the possibilities of launching the craft onto Circular Quay from the water at speeds hitherto reckoned impossible by both scientists and clergymen alike. “This kind of groundbreaking manoeuvre will require split-second timing, balls of steel, and a metric gross of high-powered amphetamines” McCrack said, “Mary Donaldson better watch the fuck out.” But his plans were foiled when airport security discovered a considerable quantity of the drug known as Ice in a specially designed compartment of a large ‘marital aid’ McCrack had taped to his inner thigh.

At approximately 9:45AM EST, the Brown Noise Unit offices received a phone call from McCrack insisting they obtain a phalanx of king-bitch lawyers to extricate him from the embarrassing fiasco. According to the tape, McCrack had just finished his third banana daiquiri in the airport bar and was about to step out for a pre-flight cigarette when he was wrestled to the ground by security staff. The message made no mention of the purpose of the handguns but BNU assumes it was simply a matter of personal protection: McCrack fled Sydney two years ago under a cloud of suspicion and was reportedly requested by several underground organisations to never show his face north of the Murray again.

McCrack is currently being held for questioning.

SLAVA TO THE RHYTHM

With only a few letters separating both their names and nationalities, GMA favourite and Ethnic Centre mainstay Slava Grigoryan has teamed up with Austrian bassist/vocalist Al Slavik for another round of mall-friendly, neo-classical plunking. Continental Shift puts Slava’s girlfriend-scaring fingernails into action once again on a mix of instrumentals and vocal tracks. Continental Shift is out now and the duo will be burning up the stage on their national tour in March and April.

Moronia profundis

Moronia profundis

IDOLWILD

Anthony Callea’s The Prayer is the highest-selling Australian single of all time, selling over four times platinum and remaining at the #1 spot on the ARIA Top 50 Singles chart for five weeks. Anthony is currently recording tracks for his self-titled debut album, which will be released in coming months. Despite the fact that all Idol-related material has proven commercially bulletproof, Anthony is, according to sources, more nervous about the prospects of his album than a “gerbil at a candlelit dinner with Richard Gere”. That’s nervous.


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