MÖTLEY CRÜE BACK BY UNPOPULAR DEMAND
Four of the most deeply unpleasant men to ever form a band, Motley Crue, are reuniting in one last ditch effort to pay off all their alimony and court costs. The original line-up announced new single, If I Die Tomorrow, and world tour at a press conference at the Hollywood Palladium at the decidedly un-rock ’n’ roll hour of 5:30pm.
Jordan Berliant, a senior executive of the band’s management company and contender for most naïve man in the world, stated that “Motley Crew are a gang that have always thrived on passion. It is the element that fuels their creativity and guides their decision-making”. Obviously Vince Neil was simply driving “passionately” when he killed Hanoi Rocks drummer in a car accident.
You can witness the inexplicable popularity of Motley Crue when they bring their “Red, White and Crue” tour here in November 2005.
BENCHMARK FOR BEST-OF ALBUM LOWER THAN PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT
With our appetities now whetted, we at the Verge are now waiting with bated breath for Nikki’s autobiography. Publicists have confirmed that a tell-all autobiography is on the cards, but that it’s been delayed until Nikki had a bit more to tell — maybe until she’s old enough to vote. (They don’t seem to have had any such reservations when releasing the best-of album…)
Post–Sydney Olympics, young Nikki has been nothing if not busy. In addition to three “best-selling” albums, she now has — like any self-respecting wannabe pop star — her own clothing range: a line of children’s wear at K-Mart. According to her press release, “On a recent trip to Los Angeles Nikki gained further inspiration for her winter collection which will hit stores in 2005.”
Nikki Webster. Inspiration. Winter collection. Now there are three terms we never thought we’d see combined in the one sentence.
Nikki Webster’s best-of album and bonus DVD were released on November 29. They’ll be selling like hotcakes at a primary school near you.
DARK LORD LOVES CASEY
Satan was spotted at Chadstone JB Hi-Fi last Monday purchasing a copy of Australian Idol winner Casey Donovan’s debut album For You.
Satan was shopping with close friend & associate Byron Jones, who is responsible for producing Shannon Noll and Guy Sebastian’s albums, and more recently guiding young Casey through the process of making For You.
“Nice work, Byron,” Satan chuckled, examining the album liner notes and absently torching a passing teen with his fiery trident. “It’s tough work making a singer who’s got less personality than half a bucket of sand any worse than she already is, but I see you’ve included ‘a mix of soulfully haunting tunes showing off her uniquely emotive delivery and some grittier rock numbers delivered with impressive power and intensity’. And a live cover of Tina Arena’s Symphony of Life… man, that’s really evil.”
The Prince of Darkness also bought a copy of Mistaken Identity and the new Nikki Webster best-of record to play over the PA back in hell.
Not content with simply pissing on whatever credibility they had left after Michael Hutchence’s death, the remaining members of INXS have decided to rip the head off and shit down the neck of their careers by auditioning new singers in a worldwide, televised talent quest. Search For A Rock Superstar is due to air on US station CBS in July 2005 and will see INXS wade through what Tim Farris presciently described as a “cesspool of talent”.
DOGZ DECK IN THE PINK
Johnny Klimek and Reinhold Heil, who composed the soundtrack to Run Lola Run, are preparing to turn in their health care and concession cards as they’ve got a new job: writing the score for new music movie Deck Dogz. In New Zealand, the movie will be released under the title Dogz Deck.
Perhaps overcome by the excitement, the author of the rather breathless press release announcing the good news neglected to tell us when the movie is out. So, I don’t know, watch The Movie Show or something for more info.
IDOL CONTAGION SPREADS UNCHECKED
Shannon Noll recently re-recorded Channel Nine’s cricket anthem, C’mon Aussie C’mon. This follows hot on the heels of the Federal Government commissioning Guy Sebastian to rework the national anthem. The new anthem, which Sebastian has tentatively re-titled Ad-va-ah-ee-ah-ah-ee-ance Aus-aw-stray-ee-aa-ee-lee-ee-lee-ah Fair-air, is expected to run for 11 glorious R’n’B-influenced minutes — unless it’s the deluxe version, which will run for 23 minutes. Authorities planned to use Sebastian’s anthem for the 2006 Commonwealth Games, but desisted when informed that Australia’s predicted gold-medal haul combined with Sebastian’s deluxe anthem would extend the games by four days.
Meanwhile, other Australian Idol contestants will be stationed in elevators across the country, where they will serenade commuters with R’n’B-influenced Beatles arrangements. Given the current 2:1 Idol-to-elevator ratio, surplus Idollers will be positioned in telephone call centres, where they can soothe the nerves of frustrated callers with easy-listening pap and sparkling between-song repartee.
In other Idol news, Rob Mills and Paulini are set to provide dulcet beep-beep-beep warnings on reversing garbage trucks nationwide, Casey Donovan is re-recording Happy Little Vegemites, Anthony Callea is putting together a Bocelli-influenced version of the Aeroplane Jelly jingle, and On the Verge is planning to get the fuck out of this godforsaken country.
Somewhere on this planet there must be a place untainted by Idolness. It’s probably postage-stamp–sized and in a pestilential swamp, but every day it looks more and more like paradise. Oh yeah, C’mon Aussie C’mon will be released through Sony BMG on December 19. Proceeds go to the Red Cross’s Good Start Breakfast Club.
HAYSEED DIXIE: “WE’RE OUT OF IDEAS”
You might remember Hayseed Dixie for their hillbilly tribute to the songs of AC/DC. Presumably unaware the sun has set on the novelty value of that effort, they’re releasing another covers album of 80s glam rock acts including Kiss, Queen, Motorhead, Bad Company and Aerosmith. Oh, and about six more AC/DC tracks. If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Oh, all right, so they’re pretty funny. But with two original songs included on this record, intriguingly titled I’m Keeping Your Poop and Corn Liquor, Hayseed Dixie apparently does possess the ability to write their own amusing tunes. So why not release a whole album of them? No one ever said that hillbillies aren’t canny folk — they sure know how to make a quick buck.
It’s out January 17.
Country singer Keith Urban has received two nominations from his Grammy for being a very good boy. Grammy Urban staged a modest ceremony at her Tamworth residence in honour of her grandson’s exemplary behaviour all year, with Keith’s aunties and a handful of his close church friends in attendance.
“I am grateful for the gifts I have been given, first by God, and also by you, the amazing fans and supporters who give me the greatest gift of all — letting me share this love of music with so many people,” said a tearful Keith to coos of delight from the wrinkly gathering. The group then took tea and sandwiches before Urban flew back to Sydney to continue work on his new album Wholesome Five-Grain Country Goodness.
BLAND IN A BUBLÉ
Adult contemporary darling Michael Bublé was killed last week in a bizarre boating accident.
The singer, whose insipid easy-listening clazzic muzak and boyish good looks have helped him sell more than three million albums worldwide, was apparently “horsing around” on the deck of an A&R executive’s pleasure yacht when he lost his balance and fell overboard, shrieking girlishly on the way down.
The executive looked on in horror as Bublé was then cut to shreds by the boat’s propeller. Bublé was gearing up to release his second album on February 28, but now he’s dead, thereby proving the existence of God.