MOBY FINALLY MEETS BIGGER TIT THAN HIMSELF
Rove Live has been almost bearable in the past couple of weeks if only for the fact that the tedium of Rove’s survey-like interview technique has been interrupted variously by Queens of the Stone Age, a bit of controversy involving Moby and walking dairy, Kate Langbroek, and the high weirdness that is the Neighbours 20th anniversary.
Plucking her nipple from the boneless gums of her daughter, Sunday, Kate Langbroek dashed out a quick interview on the show, during which an assistant was glimpsed taking charge of Langbroek’s child. So what? You may ask. Well, it was enough to attract the ire of Moby who later appeared on the show and referred to Langbroek as “that woman who was exploiting her baby”.
It all may have been a storm in a D-cup if Langbroek had not subsequently cut Moby down to size by referring to him, quite correctly, as an “American vegan”. It remains to be seen if Moby will ever recover from this scornful attack, but it proves that Langbroek is never above dining out on her motherhood. It’s enough to make you think she’s the only woman in Australia to ever have had a baby.
The previous week saw Rove yuck it up with Neighbours stars Alan Fletcher, Stefan Dennis and the radiant Kimberly Davies. The usual dullness ensued, livened only by Stefan Dennis’ unusual claim that his utterly forgettable 1989 single, Don’t It Make You Feel Good, made him the “David Hasselhoff of the music industry”, when in actual fact he is the Stefan Dennis of the David Hasselhoff industry.
Yorkshire-born singer songwriter Rob Reynolds has blitzed a field of 12 contenders, including local favourite, Latvian zither virtuoso Marta Gavrilova, to win the Baltic Song Competition with his song Sherry Man.
In the interests of winning over the large crowd which had assembled at Karlshamn, Sweden, for the annual contest, Mr Reynolds donned a fat suit and dressed in a traditional Eastern European costume of black Hessian house-dress, Ritvali clogs, frilly apron, shawl and bonnet.
His falsetto performance of Sherry Man, which was accompanied by a traditional 18-piece Latvian psaltery flute folk orchestra, was convincing enough to steal the show from the critic’s favourite, Lithuanian lothario Mikus Cavarts and his 100 Proof Bagpipe Band, whose rousing baritone rendition of classic folk tune On The Road To My Sweet Old Dung Shanty threatened to steal the limelight away from the UK native.
A passing Uzbekistani goatherd dressed in filthy rags stopped sipping his potent potato liquor for long enough to neatly sum up Rob Reynold’s performance: “Gritty emotion and solid soul, fusing rock, pop, funk and jazz to create a song that is untouched by major label accountants and crafted with heart,” he said, grinning insanely before wandering off to the cabbage broth stand.
However, Reynold’s was fortunate to escape with his life when a nail snagged his house-dress as he strode across the stage to collect his plastic trophy, sack of potatoes and ball of string, tearing off the rough garment to reveal a pair of fashion jeans, trainers and FCUK t-shirt.
The crowd bellowed with rage at being hoodwinked by this first-world fraud, and a mob of drunken pitchfork-wielding farmhands bum-rushed the stage baying for his blood. Fortunately for Reynolds, a trapdoor opened and he was able to make his escape, sans prize purse, and is now recovering at his home in London.
“I’m not a big fan of competitions,” complained Rob, “But I’m very proud to be the first British artist to win and have an opportunity to take my music to new countries.”
Rob Reynolds’ Sightseeing album is available on August 15 through Invisible Hands Music and MGM.
MAN DISTRESSED TO FIND THAT HE LIKES BEN LEE SONG
A Melbourne man yesterday tried to institutionalise himself after realising that he liked a Ben Lee song. The alarmed man told interns at Sunnybrook Hospital that he’d had Channel V running in the background while reading the Sunday Age when he’d heard a song that he’d found both “quirky” and “pleasant”. Much to the man’s horror, the song had been Lee’s Gamble Everything for Love.
Reasoning that if Ben Lee had written a good song everything must have gone arse-up, the man donned a fetching frock, renamed himself “Lucille”, and vowed henceforth to find Rod Quantock uproariously amusing.
The following day, in a moment of clarity, the man tried to book a bed at Sunnybrook, where he instructed interns to “euthanise” him if he began to find Tammin Sursok a “raw and uncompromising” singer-songwriter, Ray Martin a “credible journalist”, and Renee Zellweger “worthy of anything but a hollow-point bullet”.
Doctors refused to admit the man, but did advise him to lower his drug intake to sub-Keith Richards levels.
TAMARA JABER DECODES HUMAN GENOME BETWEEN TALENT QUESTS
Only slightly scarier than Bec Cartwright’s love poetry is the astonishing life of former Sacandal’us member, Tamara Jaber. In a skull-crushing resume that went out to press organs this week, Jaber dictates a first-person, five-page account of her life from birth: “more rolls than Baker’s Delight”; to her incongruous coupling with Kyle Sandilands: “It still seems surreal, but I have pictures to prove it.”
If even half of it is to be believed, throughout her short life, Ms Jaber has achieved an extraordinary amount. To quote a mere fraction of her achievements: by the age of 13 she had won over 400 trophies for performing, featured in countless advertisements and television shows, all while maintaining a vigorous training regime of ballet, tap, jazz and drama classes. She has danced at The Epcot Centre, Disney World, Florida, and at the MGM Grand in Las Vegas, where she was chosen to sing despite having only sung — gasp — in her spare time. Which may say a lot for her singing, but regardless, it’s an impressive roll that couldn’t be done justice to here.
Not impressive enough, however, to teach Tamara Jaber a thing or two about quality. Not to mention grammar. Her last single, the abominable Ooh Ahh, featured the mind-bogglingly inane couplet, “Ooh ahh, I lost my bra/I left it in my boyfriend’s car.” Which begs the question, if she has indeed “lost” her bra, yet knows that it is in her “boyfriend’s car”, is it in fact “lost”?
Continuing in the manner to which she is accustomed, Jaber works her “ass to the bone everyday”, and has refused to let even architecture foil her plans for world domination: “when someone puts a wall in front of me, I find a secret door and walk through.”
You can check out Tamara’s bony “ass” in her new clip for forthcoming single Hard for Me, and puzzle over her grammatical conundrums on debut album Addicted, out in August.
EXPERTS DECLARE KYLE A NATURAL SWINE
e global film industry following a recent episode of Australian Idol in which a contestant used judge Kyle Sandilands to demonstrate how she would s tab a feral pig to death.
Although it hasn’t endeared him to the RSPCA, the startling veracity of Sandilands’ performance as the pig has galvanised casting agencies worldwide. “Now that’s method acting,” commented one casting expert. “It was eerie,” commented another. “Kyle really seemed to get inside the skin of the pig. It was as if he were born to play that role.”
While those connected to Sandilands have remained tight-lipped, it’s believed that the Sydney radio personality’s Idol cameo has already prompted a film offer. According to industry sources, he has been approached to play the lead role in Babe III. “Ohhh, he’d be perfect,” enthused one casting-agency guru. “He’s got everything you’d need to pull it off: the childlike voice, the porcine demeanour, not to mention lots and lots of bacon.”
Rumours suggest that Sandilands is also being considered for the Ned Beatty role in a mooted remake of Deliverance . “How many people have had experience playing a stuck pig?” asked one source. “He’d be a natural.”