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Published on April 16th, 2006 | by The Beige Baron


On The Verge #41



On The Verge has managed to track down a fan of Melbourne puberty rock heroes Kisschasy who is even more passionate about their music, if that’s possible, than their label’s public relations person: it’s unlikely hero Sister Wendy Beckett of the hugely popular ABC TV show Sister Wendy’s Art Show .

“It’s twemendously moving music,” she told Video Hits host Axl during a satellite interview. “Do you not see the pway of light and shade? Given the mewodic shimmer of the tunes, it’s easy at first to miss the compwexities behind their lywics,” Sister Wendy enthused, pausing to wipe her mouth with a handkerchief.

“Many of the words behind the songs are intwiguing and compwicated — often dealing with dark and expwicit imagewy to explain simple sounding things. This is clearwy a disc with an acute sense of the entire emotional spectwum. And the feewing that even though the music seems so effortwesswy pweasing and looks so easy, that the band has put everything of themsewves into it.”

Sister Wendy then smiled serenely and fossicked about her voluminous robes in search of a mint.

Pure class

Pure class


Fans of Australian Idol cast-off Ricki-Lee Coulter have organised a giant online spelling bee to celebrate the release of her album, Hell No – The Remixes on August 1, which contains no less than eight remixes of the track for the truly masochistic fan.

To enter the bee, secondary school students were invited to compose a short essay detailing what they like most about the songstress. Some of the finalists are published here, and the contributions can be seen as undeniable evidence of the soaring literacy levels in Australian schools.

Ricki Lee was also honoured with an award from the Federal Department of Education for Outstanding Contribution To The Field of Literacy Through Music for her recent hit, Hell No! , which included such immortal lines as: Grass is greener / got no money / people telling jokes / that ain’t funny.

The calibre of Ms Coulter’s lyrics inspired the following powerful essays from Mrs Hammond’s Year 11 class at Sunbury Secondary School :

“ricki lee’s new song ‘hell no’ is one of the best songs ive heared she needs to be in the music industry,” said one tearful fan.

“hi Ricki-lee you are my idol, i am your biggest fan. you are the best singer in the world. i was very upset when they anounced your name. the song hell no is the best and so are you. i wish i could meet you some day. best wishes from your biggest fan morgan. p.s. could you send me your email address so i can chat to you all the time. Morgan .”

Nice try, Warnie… if that is your real name.

“ricki lee rocks and if people think she cant sing they sooooooooo retarded because ricki lee should have won australian idol with out a joke cause she can sing nearly any thing i luv ricki. Luv sharni”

“hi ricki lee wats up wat r u doing now i am write u a letter and i hope u like the letter i am sending u i have to go now bye everyone there from jennifer p.s please write back.”

The president of Shock Records said in a statement: “we happy about ricki, u fanz all so great for spending yr parentz money on this shit, don’t forget to buy the ringtone to, ricki u rock, we all smarter than evry1 ricki we luv u luv P.B Sanchez, Shock Records.”

You can put your finger on your elbow, your finger on your elbow, hell-llooo.

You can put your finger on your elbow, your finger on your elbow, hell-llooo.


The press release reads, “R Kelly does it again!” But it’s not what you’re thinking.

Last week his new album, the cryptically titled TP.3 Reloaded, debuted at number one on the US Billboard charts. If history has taught us anything, it is that R Kelly will soon be making lewd advances towards Australian listeners, and no doubt creating a big noise in teenage bedrooms everywhere.

Never camera shy, R Kelly has also aired the first five episodes of his “urban operetta”, Trapped in the Closet, currently screening on Channel V. Taking us back to the days before television, Trapped in the Closet was conceived as a radio-serial in which every episode ends with a cliff-hanger. It is hard to imagine R Kelly creating any kind of suspense unless he is asking you to turn off the fan while he fetches the rubber sheets, yet Trapped in the Closet has been described as, “a soap opera”, “Desperate Housewives meets desperate husbands”, and, “unbelievably compelling.”

The accompanying tracks to chapters one to five of Trapped in the Closet are included as a bonus on the album, TP.3 Reloaded, out now.

black_metal_thiago_lima_funny_yoCRADLE OF FILTH UPSET: BAND DEMANDS CLEAN, “GROWN-UP” BEDS

Those waiting for the next Air or Portishead album to jazz up their dinner party can stop holding their breath: fresh from the Netherland’s underground death-metal scene come Prostitute Disfigurement, with their latest album, Left In Grisly Fashion.

Unlike all other death-metal, Prostitute Disfigurement promise a brutal and technically precise barrage of gore splattered, sexual depravity, which is in no way comparable to any other micro-genre of brutal yet technically precise death-metal that deals with other types of gore splattered sexual depravity.

Prostitute Disfigurement are totally unique. Not least for having one of the best names death-metal has to offer. So, if you find reading the bill at The Arthouse a bit of a giggle, if you’ve written Fuck, I’m Dead in as the house-band at your funeral, or if you have or would have sex to Vaginal Carnage, then please submit your choices for Best Death-Metal Band Name Ever to You won’t be sorry for long.

Christie in happier times.

Christie in happier times.


Big Brother contestant Christie has been released back into the wild after the RSPCA complained to the Australian Broadcasting Authority that keeping her in captivity any longer would constitute cruelty to animals.

The RSPCA filed the complaint when it became apparent that Christie was showing signs of depression and discontentment in the past few weeks of the show. The issue came to a head one afternoon when Christie started bellowing in frustration at not possessing the ability to open a packet of crisps, and started banging her head against the floor, upending drawers of kitchen utensils and flailing about uncontrollably.

Despite being shot with four tranquillizer darts, the enraged Christie blundered through the glass doors of her impoundment and ran wildly into the back yard before becoming entangled in the clothes line and finally succumbing to the powerful sedatives.

RSPCA also raised concerns about her personal hygiene when she was filmed picking her own scabs and eating them, her point-blank refusal to change her one pair of skanky soiled underpants, and her repeated assertions that other housemates were plotting to “cut her grass”, which of course she relies on for nutritional purposes.

RSPCA said that her constant demands for attention would ultimately put her personal safety at risk, and the decision was made to rescue her after she began running at full pace into brick walls, bouncing off them, guffawing and doing it all over again in the hope of winning a smile from fellow zoo-mate Greg Logan, who was instead more interested in grooming Kate for fleas.

Christie was cattle-dipped and given a full medical examination before being released back to pasture on a large farm outside Colac, where she is reported to be making a full recovery.

Fig 1. Dirty Punk Mutha Fashions of the 1990s.

Fig 1. Dirty Punk Mutha Fashions of the 1990s.


The Brown Noise Unit is set to release a coffee table book just in time for Christmas. The 349-page hardcover compendium contains insightful scientific ruminations on the following topics: Dirtypunkmutha Fashions and Hairstyles of the Early 1990s, By PT McCracken; Increased Stonedness in Adolescent Males is Caused by Slow Bong-Pulling, By N. Lowenstien; Long-Term Effects of The Great Britain Hotel on the Health of Goths, Punks, Wastoids and Hippies, By A. Cuff; On the Rise of Cyberdildonics, By J Gliddax; Future Options for Careers in Options and Futures, By PT McCracken; The Moshpit and the Raft of Osborne: Is a New Synthesis Possible? By J Gliddax; Skybrow Deck Construction and Card Design for the Layperson by A. Cuff; Kingswoods from 1972 to 1976: The HQ Model, Its History and Mechanical Specifications, and its Role in the Realisation of the Australian Dream, By LL Norman; Great Flannies of the Early ’90s: Algorithms for a Neural Network to Co-ordinate Fashion Decisions Among a Three-Dimensional Vector Space of Flannelettes, Army Pants and Converse, by A Cuff, and perhaps most memorably, Synergistic Effects of Victoria Bitter and Monstrous Spliffs in Mixed Verandah Populations of Homosapiens Sub-species Northcotus — New Mating Types and Reproductive Outcomes of Genomic Insertion Events By NV Coleman.

Available November 12 from all good bookstores for $35.95, or via mail order at

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Groping for trouts in a peculiar river.

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