Published on April 16th, 2006 | by The Beige Baron0
On The Verge #31
SIMON LE BON DONS LONG JOHNS OF DOOM
As if the ill-fated Duran Duran reunion wasn’t enough to prove that the 80s were indeed a disaster and should never be repeated, Simon Le Bon has decided he hadn’t done enough messing about in boats back then either, and has resurrected his yacht racing career.
For those who don’t know, the Rio video was not the only time Le Bon made a twat of himself on the high seas. In 1985, Simon and the crew of his yacht, Drum, narrowly escaped death as their vessel sank off the coast of Cornwall during the biennial Rolex Fastnet race. Although the disaster took place during some appalling weather, Le Bon blamed his near-death experience on a bad wardrobe choice: “I dived down out of the upturned hull, but I couldn’t make it to the surface because my long johns were caught on a stanchion. I thought, ‘If I breathe now, I’m dead.'”
Le Bon has managed to talk yet another group of friends with short memories into revisiting past ignominy by reuniting the original crew of his boat for another crack at the Fastnet race which is run in August. Let’s hope this time he takes to the waves in more appropriate attire than his outfit from the Wild Boys video.
Australia ‘s favourite car salesman, Alex Lloyd, is in Seattle recording a new album with former Alice In Chains, Pearl Jam and Dinosaur Jr producer Rick Parashar.
Even though all the signs are there, don’t expect Lloyd to take a new direction in grunge: a free-download of unreleased track Rain, has been described as – wait for it – an “emotive ballad”.
Alex’s efforts to keep the donuts out of shot will be documented by weekly updates to his video diary, The Seattle Sessions, on alexlloyd.com. The new album is due in October.
The Guinness Book of Records has a lot to answer for. This glorified coffee-table book has been the catalyst for thousands of world-record attempts. Which wouldn’t be so bad if the records had been earned doing things that anyone gave a crap about. Unfortunately, any sofa-sitting layabout with nothing better to do can earn a spot on the Guinness roster provided he’s willing to devise a pursuit so utterly bloody silly, specialised, and worthless that no-one else has thought of doing it. Think about it: if you could be bothered completing the paperwork and organising the scrutineers, you could establish a world-record for roller-blading buck naked around the Tan in an anticlockwise direction with a hardboiled egg strapped to your John Thomas.
This kind of world-record fixation is responsible for the Melbourne Jazz Fringe Festival’s world-record attempt, beginning Monday 16, for the most hours of uninterrupted jazz: 98 hours, to be precise. Any way you slice it, that’s simply far too much jazz. (Presumably, the musicians in question will be dosed up to the eyeballs, AFL style, with No-Doze in an attempt to counteract the soporific effect of their own music.)
According to event organiser Denny Petrie, “The aim for this project is to challenge and unite Melbourne ‘s jazz players”. Petrie believes that “this event gives an opportunity to showcase our wealth of talent and to encourage respect from the public”. Whether 98 consecutive hours of any music will result in anything but a headache remains to be seen.
Admission will be $10 for any 24-hour block. This works out to be 41.67 cents per hour of jazz. Which seems an accurate calculation of this event’s worth, if not of the likely duration of the audience’s attendance.
NO FUNNY STUFF
The Spendour in the Grass festival in Byron Bay is now officially sold out, and the organisers have issued a friendly heads-up to any hippies in the area, warning that they will be shot on site if they try to sneak in with dodgy scalped tickets. Trading tickets for coloured beads, poems, crystals or reiki chakra healings is also frowned upon.
But for those of you non-hippies in desperate need of a ticket, we have 30 all-day passes to sell for $900 each. Leave us a message on the forum explaining why we should sell one to you.
MIKE MUNRO SHOT WITH BLOWPIPE TANQUILLIZER DART DURING CHANNEL NINE NEWS BROADCAST
Poor old Mike Munro just can’t help himself. Fresh off the dole queue after Ray Martin wrestled his A Current Affair gig back, Mikey-Mike has slimed his way back into the studio to do the afternoon news for Channel Nine.
Old habits die hard, though, and Mikey has strained a number of tendons in his brow furrowing it in concern when reading hard-hitting “news” stories about the rising price of washing powder and the ills of teenage truancy. Apparently half an hour a day of this utter garbage isn’t enough, so the network honchos have hired this sleazebag to turn the bland, boring old news into another “current affairs” program to bookend ACA.
Okay, so we can forgive the occasional newsreaderly chuckle about the story on the old lady’s cat getting rescued by the fire brigade before the ad break, but Mikey’s implicit editorializing (“hmmm… that worrying report on speeding through school zones makes you think, doesn’t it? Tut tut tut”) is almost too much to bear.
(a) How the fuck did he get the job
(b) We watch the news for NEWS, you arse; we’re not paying to hear your fucking thoughts on it
(c) Stop wrinkling your brow and read the stupid autocue
(d) Stop looking so fucking smug
Jesse McCartney has moved to embrace his feminine side by undergoing a sex-change operation. Sources close to McCartney yesterday confirmed that the 17-year-old singer had come to realise that his smooth skin, delicate features, girlish voice, and non-threatening good looks were far better suited to the mini-skirted side of the clothing divide.
Doctors at an exclusive Swiss clinic performed the delicate nine-hour operation before emerging to confront the expectant media throng. Head of the surgical team, Dr Berndt Franger, confirmed when questioned that the operation had been a “success”. Much to the consternation of Jesse’s management and the attending journalists, Franger then added: “Jesse McCartney is now a man.”
KING KYLE ACCIDENTLY BITTEN DURING PIE-EATING CONTEST
King Kyle Sandilands was rushed to the emergency room suffering blood loss after he was accidentally bitten during a pie-eating contest organised by the Shepparton CWA to raise funds for their Quilt For Peace drive.
Sandilands was bitten by a contestant when he bent down to inspect a steak-and-mushroom pie at closer range. The man, who claims he had removed his spectacles before tucking into the pie, mistook Sandiland’s head for the fun-sized pastry and took a large bite of the radio announcer’s upper forehead/crown region by mistake. According to eyewitnesses, the notoriously unpopular radio announcer fell to the ground clutching the wound, and started wailing “much like a young child”.
Paramedics were called to the scene when it became apparent no-one was willing to help the big fat piehead stem the torrent of blood.
“He swear and say nasty thing on radio,” said an elderly Chinese woman who witnessed the incident. “He have no taste. Plus, he stink real bad. Like a dog die or something.”
The Beautiful Girls now has a new member, Brazilian “harmonica extraordinaire” Felipe! The band’s breathlessly keen PR flunky takes over the story: “The boys were approached by Felipe! when he gave the band’s front man, Mat McHugh, a video at a gig. Mat went home, watched the video and there was Felipe! twirling his luxuriant mustachio in the corner of his lounge room, sitting next to a stereo and playing his harmonica along to their Morning Sun album whilst putting out the vibe.”
Halfway through his recital, another man with a thick German accent came to fix the cable and a naked girl wandered out of the shower casually towelling her breasts off, and you can guess what happened next.
“Mat thought the footage was awesome, but didn’t know what they could do with Felipe!”
Suggestions of strapping him to the roof rack of their tour van and driving off a cliff; firing him out of a cannon, harpooning him with a whale spear or giving him a Chinese burn were rejected as being beyond their record label’s budget, and so, with a heavy heart, we return to the reality of this doleful tale:
“Fast forward to a few years later… their new material and movement towards roots/reggae music called for a creative harmonica player. And so a quartet was born… the boys called Felipe! and asked him to come on the road with them!” Girlish shrieking! Eiiiiii!!!
And that’s the story of how The Beautiful Girls got their new member. You can order the original video of Felipe! “blowing” his “harmonica” through the Fishwyck branch of The Beautiful Girls’ record label for $49.95 plus postage and handling.