Stories

Published on July 15th, 2014 | by The Beige Baron

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On the Verge #67

LOGIES / BISHOP FORSYTHE / MELISSA TKAUTZ / GWEN STEFANI

SHERBET TO SWEETEN TASTELESS AFFAIR

Awards ceremonies are always excruciating but there’s a certain jaw-grinding desperation about the logies that’s so pathetic that even euthanising it seems too sympathetic a gesture. Yet watching it writhe in agony brings little or no sadistic pleasure. Schadenfreude is far too subtle a sensation for such a brazenly tacky and horrendous event.

Winning a logie is comparable to being branded ‘Best in the Southern Hemisphere’ so organisers of the logies are always desperate to gain a micron of credibility through the inclusion of B-graders from somewhere else. Anywhere at all. Except of course, New Zealand.

2006 is the year of some real straw-clutching desperation. Even more so than recent years. Just a glance at this year’s list of very special guests is enough to make even those employed in the television industry groan. This year the only guests gullible or desperate enough to be lured from their nations of origin (or cryogenic stasis) are Pink – who is promoting her new album I’m Not Dead leaving audiences begging for a swift death. Performers from Cirque Du Soleil, George Eads, Joan Rivers and inexplicably, Torvill and Dean.

See? It beggars belief, doesn’t it.

Then of course, there are the old favourites. Televisions grim survivors Bert, Daryl, Georgie Parker, and (even though her only notable contribution to TV has been Coles commercials) Lisa McCune. And of course, wooden spooner and wooden actor, John “Wood” Wood, who may be in for a sympathy victory this year following the merciful axing of Blue Heelers.

Just when the inclusion of Torvill and Dean had you reaching for the Zoloft, it was announced this week that Sherbet will be reforming especially for the event.

Are we not the luckiest cunce that ever lived? All of this and more. And the fate of the nominees is completely in the hands of TV Week readers. God help us. God help us all!

melissa_tkautzPUNCTUATION ERROR MARS PRESS RELEASE

In an excited press release, Sydney-based bullshit artists Williamson Management recently announced that Melissa Tkautz had entered into a worldwide agreement with them. According to the company, Melissa will this year embark on a national club tour and release a new single.

Perhaps realising that the general public needs its memory jogged as to just who the fuck Melissa Tkautz is, the company includes a helpful bio. Among Melissa’s economical list of accolades are a number one Australian single, Read My Lips, and two ARIA awards for “Most Popular Talent”.

Clearly, in their haste to notify the world at large of Melissa’s butterfly-like re-emergence from obscurity, Williamson Management have misplaced their quote marks or left out a vowel, because the only way that award makes any sense at all is if Melissa won an ARIA for Most Popular “Talent” or “Most Poopular Talent”.

The truth of the matter is difficult to ascertain because, between Williamson Management and Melissa’s own rapsheet, the shit is flying thick and fast.

In addition to Tkautz, Williamson also manage Bianca, Candice Falzon, Fiona Horne, Gabrielle Richens, Jesse Tobin, Justine McKell, Lisa Scott-Lee, Louise Ashby and Sean Kanan. A stable of clients that aren’t so much “stars” as they are kerosene lanterns so dim they wouldn’t illuminate a postage stamp.

In what can only be interpreted as an elliptical acknowledgement of this fact, Williamson describe themselves as a “boutique management company”, which when translated back into nonbullshit means “no one knows who our artists are”.

jesus with gunBISHOP FORSYTH POLITELY ASKS TO FIELD THAT ONE

The Anglican Church is planning to screen $50,000 worth of advertising at 15 multiplex cinemas to coincide with the release of The Da Vinci Code film. The ads invite cinema goers to ‘discover the truth about Jesus’ and not take the movie as gospel.

Bishop Forsyth called journalists to a barbecue to explain that the Anglican Church was not frightened by the novel’s popularity, but merely that all copies must be destroyed.

Tossing another book on the heat beads, Bishop Forsyth chuckled, ‘Oh no. Books claiming Jesus was gay, married, or gay and married, or a wizard, come out every other week. The Church is not at all threatened by them. We just think they should all be burnt, is all,’ he said cheerfully, brushing some ash off his robes.

The ad was designed to encourage The Da Vinci Code viewers to seek the truth about Jesus ‘using proven methods of historical research in regards to the consultation of a wide variety of source material,’ explained Bishop Forsyth, digging out a copy of The Bible out of breast pocket and holding it aloft. ‘And you’ll find all the answers you can ever need in here. They’re all here… I assure you.’

‘The concept for the cinema advert was to engage with the same questions raised by The Da Vinci Code, but then also raise the question of how Jesus himself might respond to these claims,’ he continued. ‘And, in the absence of Him actually being here, we took the liberty of reacting on His behalf.’

In the ad, Jesus is played by Ben Lee (due to his experience with being a Messiah), and features Jesus interviewed by David & Margaret At The Movies. Eyes welling with love and compassion for all mankind, Jesus spreads his hands, smiles sweetly and awards the film two and a half stars, commenting that while the special effects and acting were good, they couldn’t make up for the holes in the plot.

‘The bottom line is this,’ explained the Bishop, throwing the empty packet of firelighters onto the flames. ‘We think it’s obvious people should disregard Dan Brown’s thesis, which is based on questionable evidence, and instead accept our story, based on a complete lack of it. Evidence, I mean.

‘And we will spare no expense to ensure that this happens. If we can get three souls per $100 of ad spend, our long-term collection plate profit projections are through the roof. And Media Monitors are saying we have already quadrupled the value of our actual ad spend, as a whole bunch of papers have picked up the story. With that kind of dough we can start intruding and editorialising in cinemas everywhere. ‘

The ads start screening from May 11 in selected cinemas.

harajuku4OMNIBUS PRESS RELEASE TWO NEW CHILDRENS’ BOOKS

New in its range of ‘I Can…!’ childrens’ books comes Omnibus Press’s Gwen Stefani and Insane Clown Posse biographies. These ‘photo-filled’ colouring and activity books ‘will guide children step-by-step through the process of becoming brands to be owned, marketed and profited from by record companies, standing them in good stead for a career as a pop musician’.

The first few pages of Stefani’s book deal with her early years, and include in-depth insights into the psyche of the star. ‘I can sing!’ Stefani was quoted as saying in the book. ‘I can dance!’ she added on the next page, below a colourful illustration.

The second act of the biography sheds a light on her pain and isolation during the breakup of her band, No Doubt, and her relationship breakdown. ‘I am sad,’ she says in the book, beneath a join-the-dots and colour-it-in picture of her in court fighting a battle over royalties.

Next, we read about Gwen’s efforts to find producers to write catchy songs for her so she can dance and sing and write the words again. Finally, the reader is encouraged to fill in and draw a picture in the chapter entitled ‘What Can You Do?’

The Insane Clown posse book is somewhat less detailed, and has only photos and colouring-in activities which author Lou G Stone is positive will appeal to the band’s fan demographic.

Both books are available from good bookstores everywhere.

 


About the Author

Groping for trouts in a peculiar river.



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