Stories

Published on November 19th, 2006 | by Hans Fruck

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Melbourne Man Tells It Like It Is

 

Self-described intellectual, raconteur, and speaker of truth to power, Hedley Stanker, today delivered a stinging rebuke to the world. ‘What the fuck is wrong with you?’ an angry Stanker demanded from his perch atop the mailbox outside his block of flats.

Neighbour Harriet Sparks said the commotion caused by Stanker had interrupted her daytime-soap viewing. ‘There was an awful racket. I thought there was some kind of altercation at the front gate’, said Mrs Sparks. ‘But when I looked all I could see was Mr Stanker balanced on the letterbox. He appeared to be shouting at passing cars.’

Akhmed Mahmoud, delivery man for the East St Kilda branch of Wiseguys Pizza, also witnessed Stanker’s eccentric behaviour. ‘I had a large pizza with the lot to deliver on Jacaranda St’, he said. ‘I was driving past when I saw this dude standing on a mailbox gesticulating. I figured he must’ve ordered the pizza. But when I stopped and offered it to him, he got very agitated.’

Beryl Wilson, a resident in the same apartment block as Stanker, said she was sick of Stanker’s antics and would be lobbying the body corporate to evict him. ‘It’s one thing after another with him. First it was the pigeons, then he started persecuting my cat, Mr Cuddles.’

Stanker denounced police when they appeared, accusing them of trying to silence dissent. ‘I’m tearing the veil, that’s what I’m doing’, said a fiery Stanker, ‘and you don’t like what you’re seeing. I scare you.

‘Well, I won’t be silenced’, said the steely-eyed Stanker. ‘So deal with it.’

At the insistence of the police, Stanker dismounted the letterbox and returned to his flat, but not before delivering what he described as a ‘dose of reality’ to bystanders.

‘I rock your truths. I crack the comfort of your comfortable lies. I’m Jessica Alba at Jenny Craig. I’m Jack Daniels at Alcoholics Anonymous. I am the truth. I am the enemy’, Stanker shouted. ‘I’m an earthquake. I’m a virus. I’m like smelling salts to liars. ’

‘And FYI’, said Stanker. ‘Beryl Wilson has it in for me. I did not hatch one in Mr Cuddles’ litter box.’


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