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Published on September 9th, 2006 | by The Beige Baron

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10 Similarities in Fishing and Porno Videos

As an ex-fishing magazine editor, I have seen my fair share of fishing DVDs. Enough, in fact, to assemble this half-arsed 10-point spiel on the similarities between fishing and porn.

1. The most important thing to remember, if you’re going to make a fishing video, is to think of a title that is parochial, preferably with some alliteration or a lame-duck dad joke weaved in. Debbie Does Dallas, transported to the parallel universe of fishing, becomes Don Devega’s Deep Sea Drops. Dirk Diggler’s Big Dick Dilemmas would read Dean on Drummer: Dirty Rock Rigging.

2. You need to make at least a half-arsed attempt at a ‘story’, or failing that, some kind of a plan, ie. first we’ll shoot her giving him head, then swap ’em over, then move to the Pontiac bonnet for some missionary, flip, side-style, anal, and it’s a wrap.

You can’t just do a montage of various sex/fishing acts and hope for the best.

Similarly, a fishing video needs to move in linear fashion from ‘the basics’ right through to ‘advanced’, allowing the viewer to feel he or she has been on a journey from which they have learned a great deal.

3. It needs to be instructional. Let’s not kid ourselves here, both boy and girl readers have picked up a tip or two from a porno. And we watch both genres for the same reason: blowing a load over a fucking big fish or watching someone getting blown. However, there are some subtle differences in the genres. For example, it would ruin the anticipation if Ron Jeremy suddenly broke character from pool cleaner, donned a vest with many flaps, tabs and pockets, crouched down in front of the camera and said: ‘Okay folks, I’m gunna be using a Number 6 Super Vibro with a 12V dual cell battery for this baby. We’ve got plenty of depth so I’ll probably work down through the top and bottom holes and look for anything holding tight cover’.

We learn from porn through the action; fishing videos need a narrative and not much lead-in action. There is little foreplay in fishing videos.

I mean, the Expert Angler has convinced his mate Barry what owns one of them digital cameras to come out for the weekend to shoot a movie whats gonna make him twenny grand at least. Barry gets a bit bored after the 1,000th cast and kind of nods off on a pile of life jackets in the bow of the boat and keeps half an eye out and a finger on the rec. button.

If you star in either a fishing movie or a porn movie, you are going to need a moustache.  I’m sorry, but those are the rules.

Expert hooks up, Barry presses play and suddenly we’re into piscatorial DVDA without the flirtation of dinner or a headjob first. So instead, in lieu, the background information is passed on in a dry Aussie monotone about workin’ up close on them sandbars and lookin’ fer structure and usin Berkley Power Baits in size two, interspersed with periods of violent man-on-fish action.

4. Both pornos and fishing videos are insanely biological. Obscene close-ups of gaping gills, pulsating flesh, animalistic sounds, rolling eyeballs and plenty of slime are par for the course in both porno and angling videos.

5. Anybody with a few hundred bucks and some willing mates can make either a porn movie or a fishing DVD. All that is required is an ego big enough to handle your rod, a digital camera and someone who, for the right price, will find you the fish or the chicks. That’s it. NB. seagulls are never welcome in either film.

6. If you star in either a fishing movie or a porn movie, you are going to need a moustache.  I’m sorry, but those are the rules.

7. The quality must suck. The cover of your DVD/VHS must look like it has been printed off your six-year-old Canon BJS 360 colour printer that you got on special at K-Mart.

Any promotional text or spiel must be riddled with spelling mistakes and be barely legible against the red/green starburst you imported from clipart and assembled using your pirated copy of Photoshop.

The filming, lighting, direction and editing must be absolutely piss-poor. You use crude disolves. Hack out the parts where the star swore, or went soft. You really need to drive home to the viewer that your are just starting out in the business and that few grand you convinced your wife to let you use was squandered on a manager/distributor/industry expert ponytail friend who pocketed the cash and left you with 12 hours of unedited, shaky vision and an unpaid room service tab.

8. See point seven. Point 8 is the axis around which both the porn and fishing video industries revolve. And that is the music. Fishing movies must, without exception, feature non-copywrited music made by the same guy who lives in Florida with the hairgel and gold-rimmed glasses who creates music for every half-arsed fish-porn movie currently in circulation on the planet*.

A movie qualifies as a fishing or porn movie if it has (a) flute of any kind (b) wah pedal (c) Casio keyboard (d) a score that is entirely inappropriate for the vision.

9. Both fisherman and porno stars start their film projects on the assumption they will be substantially richer when the film is released, because they/their partners have identified a gaping hole in the market.

Both would-be fisherman stars** and porno stars always end up out of pocket, for one reason or another, if the finished product ever sees the light of day.

10. Both fishing and porn movies are either hidden or stacked behind other videos because most sane people are ashamed to have them.

And nine times out of ten, you watch them alone with your hand on your rod.

There are other similarities but I’m too drunk to think now. But watch a few of both genres and tell me I’m wrong.

* Exception: the TV series A River Somewhere. Had soothing, fingered acoustic guitar soundtrack played by troupe of gay lawyers who wanted a creative outlet.

** Rex Hunt got rich but ended up being shamed and a pariah, so it’s the same difference.


About the Author

Groping for trouts in a peculiar river.



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