Stories

Published on December 5th, 2008 | by The Beige Baron

0

A Nice Cup of Shut the Fuck Up

I hate Christmas carols. I hate people who sing Christmas carols. I hate the way their eyes glint and sparkle and form into little crescent moons of good will. I don’t like they way carol-singers do little nanna winks of happiness. I can’t abide the way their mouths form into perfect ‘o’s. The whole idea of singing these types of songs in a group sickens me.

What is even worse than traditional carol-singing is artists doing pop-music revamps of old standards. Soggy bass with tss-tss Casio calypso cymbals on top with some breathy sweet sentiments is enough to send me screaming from the supermarket chilled aisle and into the carpark to stuff clods of dirty snow into my ears.

I hate, hate hate that shit. Glory be the new born king. Santa Claus is coming to town. Joy to the world in midi. Jingle Bells sped up with some clapped out whore on autotune whining brightly about the joys of the season.

My workplace is rigged up with speakers piping in generic yuletide anthems all day at a volume soft enough to be ignored some of the time, but just loud enough to drive you batshit fucking insane for the rest of the time. I just heard Silent Night played on one of those Caribbean saucepan lid instruments that dreadlocked buskers pester you with when you are trying to walk through Darling Harbour or somewhere like that. Do you know the kind of r’n’b stylings where the vocalist wavers up and down and round and round the note but never actually hits it? They usually riff on some variation of ‘ohhhh eye ohhh eye oh eye-yie-yie-oohhhh woah-eye- whoa-eye’. I fucking hate that kind of singing, and mixing it with Christmas songs sends me into violent rages.

I also can’t understand the concept of the Christmas album, or why any sane and reasonable person would buy one. Why would you spend $30 on an album that would be inappropriate to play at any time other than for the month leading up to December 25? Why is it only artists like Mariah Carey and Daryl Braithwaite that ever release them?

If I could be king for a day, I would pass a law making it illegal for any kind of re-modelled Christmas song to recorded or performed or played in public, especially supermarkets. Any artist that tried to express feelings of love and harmony and Christmas spirit by singing and or/rapping about the birth of Jebus or Santa would be thrown into stocks and whipped with lengths of electrical cord, rolled in barbed wire and pushed down a giant hill of broken glass and into a vat of sulfuric acid.

That’s how much I hate that shit.


About the Author

Groping for trouts in a peculiar river.



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