STAR WARS: The Revenge of the Sith

Genre: Mytho-Sci-Fi

Director: Yeah, right

Tha Playaz: Ewan McGregor, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman, Ian McDiarmid, Christopher Lee

Written by: George Lucas?

Rated: Take your kids, man. It ain't that harsh

Again, George Lucas has succeeded in creating a tribute to the former glory of Star Wars rather than a real prequel to the original concept that was, Star Wars.

Although, this film is superior in both emotional and visual atmosphere to the two previous prequels, it is, in no way, better than, or even equal to the Star Wars films of the past.

This just isn't the same. It's not a prequel. From a conceptual perspective, these films simply do not flow – regardless of 80s hair-cuts and other starkly obvious disregard for conceptual continuity, there's no way that future Star Wars virgins are actually gonna believe this, when they do watch this, in chronological order, from 1 to 6, THEY WILL KNOW that this is not, in any way, a fully realised, start to end, seamless flow that it's portrayed to be.

Effects, eye-candy and the betrayal on fond memories, are the only wares on sale here, and fuck all else.

The actors look, sound and feel more artificial than the CGI. In fact, they are little more than props-cum-actors.

With this many Kiwi clones, this film looks and sounds more like any local Centrelink or the “Customs: Nothing to Declare” queue at Tullamarine, rather than a futuristic sci-fi. Reminding me of particular events at Dandenong and Oakleigh stations, particularly when they turn evil and start blasting seven shades from our Jedi heroes.

The rare parts of this film that deal with the character's emotions and “human” condition are indeed the best and missing parts of the story that most folks, appreciative of the original trilogy, have been waiting for withgreat anticipation.

If only the characters of this space-soap were given the same outstanding level of attention as the background detail, then perhaps the fact that our playaz (who strugg le to deliver a “performance” in front of blue-screen, with a director who offers more motivation to digital characters than he would an in-your-face puppet) gain as much sympathy as sand-paper, would prolong the suspension of disbelief, giving audiences more than seven-and-a-half minutes before the turd that it is, lands in your popcorn.

Let's face it: George would struggle to deliver an emotional episode of Home and Away without creating a CGI Tsunami or monsters with three heads attacking the surf club. Given the attention being lavished upon the outstandingly boring details of this mind-numbing plot, where over-explanatory dialogue is secondary to droids and other objects floating in the background, then George could have mercifully trimmed a good 30 minutes off this one.

If you lent out your light-sabre for the night, then bring your inflatable neck-rest. If not to help you through the Zzzzs, then to bash the cretins who will undoubtedly be in the cinema with you. That is unless of course, you are one of the guys that I told to “Shut-the-fuck-up!” at the Elsternwick classic. If you are reading this, I didn't pay to listen to fuck-heads overdubbing Beavis and Butt-Head (Uh- heh-heh-ehubgh) next time, please stick around until, like, at least the actor's credits have rolled, so that we can get down properly, you FUCKERS!

Favourite lines: KINKO (to the guys sitting in front): “Shut-the-fuck-up”

If you liked this, perhaps you'll like: Perhaps Star Wars, but if you've seen that, you'll probably be really disappointed with this.

 Rating: Just like drugs: You look good, you feel fantastic, but overwhelming feelings of dread and self loathing will soon follow. You hate yourself slightly less than you hate George Lucas, and this will prevent you from committing suicide on the spot. You are a cunt, and you probably know it.

Stars : Um, ask me after I've seen it again (without annoying cunts sitting in front)