Smokin' Aces
Succeeding the Cube, Rubiksmagic was less frustrating than Smokin' Aces
The film Smokin' Aces should have been called Smokin Cocks. Even if you are not into smoking cocks, you would enjoy it a hell of a lot more than sitting through this morceau de merde.
Some films are made so you don't have to think. Others are made to keep you guessing at every turn, admire the acting, direction, cinematography or the work of the best boy.
It is impossible to learn the names of the characters in this film. You don't know who is Arthur or Martha. Similar to reading a book by a crime journalist. Throwing names around like you know who the hell they are referring to.
At the start of the film they tried the whole Guy Ritchie thing and freeze the frame on a character with their name and vocation written above their head - except it was only there for 0.00002 of a second. Useless as a drill that could not whip cream.
It took me a while to work the plot out in between finding the mixed coloured fruit tingles I brought along. Smokin' Aces is about a Las Vegas Mafia dude (Jeremy Piven) who can throw cards into solid objects just like in Myth Busters on SBS. And guess what - he has a contract out on him. Sounds familiar? He is also held up in a Las Vegas hotel suit trying to deal himself out of impending doom.
Word spreads that the contract is worth a million bucks so for no good reason and sans a background story, different groups * throw their hats in the ring for the kill - oh and they have to cut out his still beating heart too. So they all head to where he is at.
As with any Mafia/Las Vegas film, the FBI are doing their best to annoy the audience. Andy Garcia plays the Elliot Ness character with matching horn rimmed specs, three piece suit and 1920s accent - someone should sack wardrobe and his acting coach.
The film is set in the present day and Garcia does not contrast well with the sharp suits worn by his subordinate Ryan Reynolds (who has the only decent performance) and the other FBI agents who are always holding up their badges at every door they enter - even a vacant toilet cubicle.
Where was I? I am lost. Thank fuck I bought popcorn too.
The camera moves too fast. Zigging, zagging, zooming in, zooming closer, cutting away - blurring -- where's the focus cunts!
The director (Joe Carnahan) tried the Tarantino gun fight ending and it comes off about as exciting as Paris Hilton sucking a cock - snore zzz - been done a hundred times.
*Here are the groups trying to kill the mafia card throwing Las Vegas gent with bad contact lenses.
1. Alicia Keys and her lesbian offsider. They have a 50 calibre rifle, a Glock pistol, a laser pointer, fishnet stockings, mini skirts, a pirate eye patch and Gucci earrings.
2. Ben Affleck and two other bonds salesmen who used to be members of a vice squad. Miami - not quite sure. They died pretty quick though. One did live but he had no fingers left.
3. A trio of nut-bag neo-nazi brothers who were meant to look like some heavyweight euro trash hit men, complete with gelled mow-hawks, leather daks and chainsaws. They looked more like euro-knobs - the nihilists in The Big Labowski were much scarier. One ended up sitting on his own chain saw. It was not shown how this happened.
4. A guy who chewed his own finger tips off in jail. He also tortured people sadistically (via a flashback sequence) and that had no bearing on the actual film. I guess it was to make the audience scared of him and his fake moustache. He did have one of the blades that Lawrence Olivier had under his sleeve in Marathon Man. Olivier wielded his with more cunning and prowess than Mr 'I ate my own finger tips.'
5. Another guy who could kill people really quick with a roundhouse kick to the head then make a latex mask out of their face and assume their identity. I saw him in Gladiator. He brought Russell some food in jail.
6. Last but not least the Las Vegas card throwing mafia dude's father. Who wanted his son's heart so he could live.
This is where the FBI comes back into it after a big shoot out between numbers 1 to 5. (I forgot to add the armed hotel security staff of about 20 and Ryan Reynolds and Ray Liotta were in the shoot out too)
As always they tried to throw in a twist. A twist of lemon would have been better. Andy Garcia was corrupt so Ryan Reynolds gave in his badge then pulled the life support machines of the mafia card thrower and his father. To save time, Reynolds should have pulled the plug on the film.
Smokin' Aces is in cinemas now. So miss it while you can.
What a review!
THIS, Hans, is how it's DONE!!*
* End update. Random emphasis capitalisations courtesy B1-B5, all rights reserve Ebobybabe.com
I was actually vaguely interested in watching this. Maybe not so much anymore. It sounds a bit too much like Domino, which is also absolute shite.
Im glad i said NO
And the guys in The Big Lebowski are pretty scary....they threatened castration.
A.J
I want my goddamn Johnson!
It was just as try-hard as Domino. However, the characters were not as fucking annoying as Keira Knightley. That said, I only made it about half way through Domino. I did think about walking out of Smokin Aces too. Cut and run so to speak.
*4
I know it's Lawrence Olivier. Fkn spell check combined with my medication decided he was Oliver. Fkn Gruel. Oliver is a little flake. Olivier is a legend.
Is your friend, Chuck. I know that I still occasionally edit stuff I posted fricking months ago. (Mainly because I'm too lazy to get it right the first time.)
I have it on good authority that Chuck only went to the movies for the coke and popcorn. Once there he figured he should probably watch a film, seeing as they show them there and all. This is the first time I have ever heard of anyone seeing a movie incidentally. See what I mean? Strange.
Good review though, Chuckles.
You know, I've never really understood the whole popcorn thing. It smells nice -- all that butter, I suspect. But it taste like, well, nothing. It's kinda like warm nuggets of cardboard. I look a little dubiously at anyone who likes popcorn. I think you might be weirdos. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.)
Next film you go to I think you should post a review. Perhaps you and Chuckles can do a he says/she says thing.
Jaysus, you can be a regular Margaret and David doubleact. The Baron and I tried that (the Baron loved being Margaret), but I think you guys might be better suited.
I must point out that Chuck went to the movies ALONE. He has given up the fags and was overwhelmed with cravings for popcorn. He said he was only going to the movies to get some popcorn (likening it to a pregnant woman craving charcoal) and staying to see the movie was a by-product of this misadventure. It smacks of mental defectiveness.
I would love to be a movie reviewer. I've seen movies that don't even exist. Yet.
I must point out that Chuck went to the movies ALONE. He has given up the fags and was overwhelmed with cravings for popcorn. He said he was only going to the movies to get some popcorn (likening it to a pregnant woman craving charcoal) and staying to see the movie was a by-product of this misadventure. It smacks of mental defectiveness.
I would love to be a movie reviewer. I've seen movies that don't even exist. Yet.
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