Serious Damage Sustained in Low-Speed Car-Wash Accident

The law of averages finally caught up with office wastoid Phil McCrack on Saturday after he was involved in an embarrassing car smash while attempting to drive through an automatic car wash.

Leading roads and traffic authorities are highlighting the irony of the situation considering that McCrack manages to safely negotiate more than 80km of fast-moving peak-hour traffic each day, but came to grief inside a car wash travelling at speeds less than 0.05km/h.

"Perhaps if he had attempted to drive through the facility at 110km/h, things would have gone better," commented RTA spokesman N.C du Homme.

McCrack staged a question-and-answer session on the front lawn of his sister's Sunbury residence, responding to queries posed by small school children, rubberneckers and concerned members of the community. His wrecked '97 Falcon was parked in the driveway so the kiddies could get up close and personal with the crumpled quarter-panel, smashed indicator light and damaged alloy wheel.

"Firstly, let me say this brings my personal levels of crapness to previously unimagined heights, and I want everybody to know that I am taking this humiliation with good grace and a measure of bitter humour." McCrack then invited Detective John Brown to outline the circumstances surrounding the incident while he re-enacted the event mime-style for the amusement of the assembled children.

"Mr McCrack had been cleaning the interior of his vehicle, and apparently encouraged by the results, decided to embark on an ambitious plan to sluice the many layers of filth from the exterior panels of his car," explained the officer. "He elected to spend the $8 on the full treatment at the local BP Kwik Mart & Car Wash.

“Glossing over his complete lack of experience with drive-through car washes, the mang eagerly purchased his ticket from the large, pie-faced woman behind the counter. He barely listened to her instructions to remove the stuffed wild boar head strapped to the bonnet of his vehicle and to keep all limbs inside during the washing process.

"There were a number of other cars lined up behind McCrack as he manoeuvred into the mechanical maw of the beast.

"Unfortunately, he became misaligned on the conveyer belt, and the powerful machinery dragged McCrack and his car into the wall, wedging it firmly against a steel bracket. McCrack claims he was unable to see what was going on, as the world outside was a maelstrom of foam and lashing brushes.

“He knew something had gone awry by the horrible sounds of rending of metal and the alarmed yells of passers-by, but was forced to sit patiently until the machine had completed its cycle.

“After the foam flurry had subsided, McCrack disembarked and inspected the damage, which was extensive. With great difficulty, he managed to disentangle his vehicle from the bracket (with more screams of tortured metal), but had to sheepishly ask the other two cars to reverse away to allow him to escape the grips of the malignant washing contraption.

“After escaping the clutches of the machine, McCrack evaluated the damage again, noted that the passenger door declined to open due to the mangled bodywork, and cast an appreciative eye over the sparkling paintwork of the front half of the car.

The other half, having escaped the whirling brushes, remains dirty, as you can see," Detective Brown concluded, waving a hand in the direction of the parked automobile.

McCrack wound up his theatrics with a final impressive flourish, which necessitated the removal of a number of his outer garments, and retreated inside for a cup of tea amid riotous applause and shrill cheers.