On The Verge Misses Last Train

Late. Packed. Filthy. Don't cry, Metlink, our column was always the same.

On The Verge has been dropped from Melbourne music magazine Beat after a further complaint from Metlink was registered with the magazine's management, prompting senior staff to direct the editor to cancel it immediately.

Despite being a satirical column, many large corporations couldn't handle having a little fun poked at them and were quick to threaten Beat with cancelled advertising. The magazine's editor, Nick Snelling, was one of the few mag hacks courageous enough to allow satire be published in his magazine -- even when the subjects of the satire advertised their wares in his magazine. And, naturally, expected a complimentary editorial reaction.

Despite constant pressure from his bosses, Nick defended On The Verge on an almost weekly basis, and the magazine gained some editorial credibility as a result. A quality which is often questioned in Australian magazines in general.

However, the power of large corporations with big advertising budgets can never be resisted for long, and much to our disappointment, our column's borrowed time ran out.

During the 18 months or so the column was published, Beat had a fistful of legal letters from the big businesses we were impertinent enough to target, which placed Nick between his desire to maintain editorial independence and the commercial realities of publishing which are held so dear by magazine owners. He held out against them for as long as possible.

On The Verge was merely shaking a puny fist towards the enemies of our culture -- the spinners and hypers of land-fill music; towards the soda-pop fakes, copycats, egotists, lickpennies and whores that populate a dispiritingly large amount of the entertainment industry. We were tired of being told shit was whipped cream by companies that were better at selling fast food and brake fluid. Tired of exploitation in general.

That anyone could be threatened enough by a half-page joke column in a weekly street magazine can only mean some of our blows were being landed. That we were ultimately canned by saying the trains in Melbourne are unreliable and dirty, a substantiated fact, is the irony in defeat we are proud of. Or would be, if the fact we were canned didn't suck so much. 

We all thought it would be Sony BMG.

Of the 70-odd columns we did for Beat, there were a lot of very average pieces. But there were also some funny ones. So as a tribute to this doomed experiment, I want to say well done to my fellow contributors Vincent BlackShadow, Hans Fruck and Kinko P Douglas for being there, hungover or not, every Monday morning to start work on this week's edition.

Last, and by no means least, thanks to everyone who read the column while it was going. Stay tuned for something else in the near future.

And here, for posterity, is the piece that finally Killed My Fucking Car (thanks dude.) And in case you are a total fucking retard, no, the quotes attributed in this piece are not real quotes. Jesus.

METLINK ARE NOW TARGETING YOUNG PEOPLE...

According to Metlink spokesobject Alana Holmberg, Metlink have recently partnered with the Hi Fi Bar to make travelling by public transport easier for young people, and the Metcard Wallet is their first joint initiative.

Metlink urgently needed a new creative campaign after the public outcry over their last art project: an ambitious city-wide installation by RMIT creative-design student Lim Chu, entitled "Timetables".

"The general public just didn't seem to understand that the pieces installed at tram and bus stops were not actually accurate guides to when, where and how often services ran – it was art and was open to interpretation," sighed spokesrobot Holmberg. "It generated a lot of bad press for us, but we're simply trying develop people's understanding of the arts."

Having already employed plenty of creative people to produce their punctuality statistics, Metlink decided to give other creative minds a chance. "The Hi Fi is one of the best live music venues in Melbourne – it's a fantastic place to communicate with young people and make sure they're aware of all their public transport options," said Metlink. "For example: when you miss the last train home because it departs Flinders Street well before the headline band finish, you can wait for several hours for the Night Rider, which is considerably more expensive than your average met ticket and will drop you off far enough away from home that you will need a cab anyway...but did I mention these nifty free wallets that we’re handing out at the Hi Fi?” No, but pray tell.

“To gloss over our appalling public image, we were required to design something for retail and then work with the relevant company to introduce it to the marketplace... The wallet has been designed for the same people our authorised officers have been intimidating and harassing for years – young people. It features a list of upcoming gigs at the venue, a map outlining public transport options for getting there and, um, once you’re there you, um, stay there and, well, getting home is up to you.”

And if you do decide to take a chance on a train home after the show, Brown Noise Unit is pleased to inform you that most carriages are now equipped with video monitoring. So if you do get sexually assaulted on your way home, you can always get a copy of the tape!

Sayonara!