On the Verge #69
DISNEY'S HIGH-SCHOOL MUSICAL
Teenagers are moody, mentally unstable and medically proven to be out-of-their-minds-fucking-insane. Fact. The last thing a teenager really needs is a musical targeted to their demographic, depicting this awkward stage of life.
For anyone requiring a little nudge to help expedite their gradual descent into the pits of mental anguish and despair, Disney can help you go one better with the big push. In fact, this is probably the easiest legal means of suicide assistance you'll come across all year.
People often ask "What is wrong with musicals?" and invariably, it's the music. Not to suggest that the plots are acceptable. They're not. The Musical's only reason for existence is the misguided notion that excruciatingly bad songs will help salvage a dud script. Or else, some bright spark may believe that literary classics can be miraculously resuscitated by way of musical interpretation, turning a dead and dusty piece of outdated irrelevance into a "lively and uproarious box office smash!!"
The formula of the musical is a simple one: In case of emergency, break into song. This often occurs right at the moment when you have no idea what the fuck is happening in the story. It's musical putty for the holes in the script.
Disney's smash hit High School Musical is no exception to this fine tradition. It is a story of two teens who "must learn to believe in themselves despite the polarisation of high school cliques" which has apparently "struck a strong chord with tweens and teens across America".
Through no shortage of market research, Disney probably knew this well in advance of the cable TV launch "that made history in the US across multiple media platforms" which in the US alone reached 14 million viewers in two nights. According to the Nielsen Media Research group, this made it the No. 2-rated cable show of the week.
If any of that makes any sense to you, then maybe you need to take a break from trying to find new ways to screw money from parents with "tweens" and get along and see this movie. You can find it at a multiple media platform near you or catch the premier on Disney Channel June 10.
OH DEAR, THAT OUTFIT WAS ATROCIOUS
Controversy raged this week over tennis superstar Lleyton Hewitt and his Home & Away starlet wife Bec Cartwright's decision to appear on television at the Logie Awards with six-month-year-old daughter, Mia, in tow. Surprisingly, even those attending such an iconic celebration of cultural cringe, thought it thoroughly bad taste.
The stupefied studio audience, already numbed to the excess of tackiness, token awards, bad jokes and worse speeches, were jolted out of their glazed-eyed state to see the Cartwright toddler dangling from the stage pulpit like a young member of the Michael Jackson family, as Mummy Cartwright & Daddy Hewitt mumbled their way through the teleprompted segue.
"I'd just been to the toilet to throw up after Pink's performance," said one industry insider, "and was negotiating my way back to the table, when I looked up to see this poor bewildered child held up before a sea of drunken B-grade actors and flashing cameras. My nausea returned and I hightailed it out of there. Not even Steve Vizard's hackneyed reprise of that gay airline steward had me so sick."
Another shocked guest reported it got even messier backstage. "Ooh, yes. What a mess the little nymph was!" he gushed. "She could hardly keep it together. Gabbling incoherently, crying, and even vomiting. At one stage, I even saw her mouthing lecherously at her own mother's breast! Can you imagine? At the Logies, no less!"
Cartwright’s manager appeared unfazed. "Look, if it were up to me, I wouldn't have had little Mia on telly so soon. Not without breast implants, anyway. The network offered to pay for them, but her mum and I decided at least wait till she's at least 13. On the bright side – the offers are pouring in from Woman's Weekly and New Idea for new family baby shoots, this time with a post Logie party theme." He winked, and added smugly "What's more, I've had confirmation from Sony/BMG – the new single's coming out next week.”
When one cheeky journalist had the temerity to raise to the word ‘exploitation’ off-set, Hewitt, eyeballs rolling wildly, snatched a concealed tennis racquet from one of his minders’ trench-coats and bludgeoned the poor hack screeching “C’mon!!!!!!!” repeatedly.
After the couple left the stage, a shocked silence ensured, before an on-the-spot judge recount had them ushered back onto stage to accept the Logie for 'Worst Moment in Australian Television' beating Rove Live in a unanimous landslide.
CHOOSE CRUELTY FREE MISTAKE BEAVERS FOR RABBITS
As if her acting on Neighbours weren't funny enough, Madeleine West has taken to stand-up comedy since her stint as Dionne Bliss on the inexplicably popular soap, and now that everyone's stopped laughing, she's lent whatever weight her celebrity wields to Choose Cruelty Free.
Choose Cruelty Free are the fun-loving folks behind the "I'd Rather Go Naked than Wear Real Fur" campaign, which has used the vague promise of a glimpse of celebrity flesh to draw attention to its cause.
Campaigning to stop animal testing is all well and good, but Choose Cruelty Free has been testing humans for years: the people who appear in their ads are not naked. And disappointingly, neither is Madeleine West. It's obvious she has a lot to offer beyond her comedic acting skills, but anyone hoping for beaver will be let down by the presence of a couple of rabbits covering Madeleine's immodesty. Now that's cruel. It's like saying “everyone is naked,” and then following it up with “under their clothes.”
Whatever laughs Madeleine failed to generate from the stage, she's making up for during this campaign. Madeleine says, "The day that dogs start wearing mascara and cats start doing the dishes, will be the day I support animals being used in laboratory safety experiments."
Right, so she'd have no problem with her friends or her housekeeper undergoing vivisection. Stop, Madeleine, you're killing us!
She goes on to state her love of animals in the broadest terms by coining her own little motto: “Do unto all creatures great and small as you would have done unto you!” Now, there are a few things that may have been done to Madeleine West that you wouldn't do to an animal. Or maybe you would – who knows, that's up to you. But if you're thinking of doing anything to Madeleine West, there are better places to get inspiration than Choose Cruelty Free's latest campaign.
PENGUINS BRING DEMOCRACY TO AUSTRALIA
Today a battalion of emperor penguins from Shackleton Ice Shelf invaded Melbourne. The invasion followed a seven-week Shock and Awe campaign during which penguin sorties terrorised Melburnians by launching lightning attacks along the Esplanade in which they pecked at the ankles of pedestrians and chirped intimidatingly.
When asked why the Penguin Army had invaded Australia, a spokespenguin identified only as “Nigel” cited the Australian connection to the JFK assassination in Dallas, Texas, as a motive for military intervention.
When the credibility of this claim was questioned, Nigel added that the Penguin Army’s hand had been forced by continued Australian intransigence on global warming. Under intense questioning, the spokespenguin acknowledged that many other countries were also contributing to global warming, but added that the invasion was mainly about restoring democracy anyway.
Nigel dismissed claims that the war had anything to do with Australia’s rich offshore fish stocks: “It’s true that Australian fish are both plentiful and delicious. But that’s irrelevant to Operation Freedom and our liberty agenda.”
The spokespenguin paid tribute to the eleven penguins who had thus far died in Operation Freedom, describing them as patriots and freedom fighters. He did not confirm estimates that 70,000 Melburnians had been killed. Instead he remarked cryptically that it was a sad fact that you couldn’t make fishsticks without killing lots and lots of fish.
NATION'S IT INDUSTRY PREPARES FOR ANNUAL FOUR-DAY SHUT-DOWN
Comic Book Guy: I would like to return your quote unquote, Ultimate Belt.
Storekeeper: I see, do you have a receipt, quote unquote, sir?
CBG: I do not have a receipt. I won it as a door prize at the Star Trek convention, although I find their choice of prize highly illogical as the average Trekker has no use for a medium-sized belt.
Storekeeper: Whoa, whoa. A fat, sarcastic Star Trek fan. You must be a devil with the ladies.
CBG: Hey, I... Huh... Tha... Oh...
Storekeeper: Gee, I hate to let you down Casanova, but uh, no receipt, no return.
Bart: I'll give you four bucks for it.
CBG: Very well. I must hurry back to my comic book store, where I dispense the insults rather than absorb them.
If you're wondering why your work computer is buggered and the IT man is nowhere to be found between the dates of Friday 9th and Monday 12th of June, try looking at the Conflux 3 sci-fi and comic convention in Our Nation's Capital.
But don't bother him with your problems: his tricorder will be switched off anyway, while he tucks into a pig haunch at the show's 'authentic medieval feast'; or while he practises his swordsmanship at the Star Wars Sword Team Weapons Workshop, or as he dances the carefree night away at the costumed masquerade disco (where nobody is made to feel uncomfortable by pointing, giggling girls. Or any kind of girls, to be completely accurate. This isn't a boat show! By the Beard of Traal!)
For a paltry $220, you too can line up for an autograph, participate in a comic quiz or max out your credit card on a bunch of plastic figurines.
And no, Galactic Cubits are not an accepted form of currency.
More information, sign yourself up here.
BOGAN APOCALYPSE
Proving the inexhaustibility of Australia’s appetite for big-titted bogans, telco company 3 has confirmed a 300% increase in live streams of Big Brother to customers’ mobile phones. According to 3’s Head of Content and Services, Scott Taylor, “The intrigue in this year’s show is definitely driving interest.”
But the most intriguing aspect of all is the continued popularity of this abomination. Who could have predicted that weeks on end of wall-to-wall coverage of these bickering, self-involved asshats would capture the nation’s imagination like this? The key to the show’s appeal can only be the tingle of superiority viewers feel as they watch the less-than-intelligent caperings of the Big Brother monkeys.
Subtract the island, the tribal votes, the punishing challenges, and pretty much everything of interest from Survivor, and what you’re left with is still something 12 times better than Big Brother. But perhaps that’s the point: Big Brother is the epitome of meritless celebrity. That could be you, me, or the cocker spaniel down the street prancing around on Big Brother – if only we were prepared to sacrifice that much dignity for that little money.
And over 2000 words. Talk about organised!
There's even an article missing. I also did one about Conflux.
You want me to put both of them up dude?
Because I thought two pieces on the one thing was overkill, especially given that we were gonna go over word count. No offence intended, Vincent.
I just rushed it off at the last minute anyway.
Pick whichever you think is better, or put mine in another section.
We could always save it for next week.
good to have the same thing covered two weeks running. Don't worry about it. WE'll have plenty more by next week.
it's the fact, as Monarch pointed out, there is fuck all else on at this time.
Australia's TV industry is so small, somebody actually spending a few bucks making a show (as shouse as it is), and then flinging it up against Today Tonight or another re-run of Frasier, or the muthafuckin Daily 'News', then what other options do you have?
BB should only claim ratings when put up against something half decent on the other side.
How would the nightly show go against The Simpsons, if it weren't already owned by 10? Or even re-runs of Seinfeld?
I know which I would pick.
No soup for you!
Post new comment