Little Black Book
The jacket tells you everything you need to know.
When my missus and I visit the video store for supplies, we generally pick a few weeklies each. Last Sunday I opted for a brace of Deep Space 9 Star Trek videos. Hours of culture there.
She rented a brace of possibly the worst movies ever -- Swept Away, starring Madonna (I just couldn't watch) -- and Little Black Book, starring the truly insufferable Brittney Murphy and that actress from Texas who talks out the side of her mouth with some kind of lisp. Is it Holly Hunter? Jesus she shits me. I'd like to get her and Heath Ledger in a movie together. Nobody could understand what the fuck was going on.
Anyway, I decided to give Curb Your Enthusiasm a rest on YouTube for a while, and watch it too.
It wasn't such a bad premise for a bog-standard romantic comedy. Girl goes to big city to fulfill dream and meet perfect man, meets perfect man, becomes suspicious of perfect man, ruins relationship, loses job, has personal revelation, cue happy ending and a moment to pause for a neat narrated summary of lessons learned.
In this case, the top-and-tailer was: 'How does a girl fall down a rabbit hole with her eyes wide open and come out the other side the same girl? Answer: she doesn't. I am that girl. To begin with my story, I need to go back to my first day at work. No, wait, to do this properly it all started...' I mean, for fuck's sake. Who writes this shit, a sixth grader? Obviously, seeing as it committed the movie-making cardinal sin of totally unnecessary narration from the main character, chipping in all the time just in case you missed the bleeding obvious. The script, my friends, was horrifically bad.
This abortion might have scraped up a bit better than the 20 per cent average review rating it got at Rotten Tomatoes (Swept Away got 5 per cent... ha ha ha ha) had it been spared Brittany Murphy's acting performance. Within about three minutes I was seething with hatred for this truly nauseating bulemic creature. She spent the entire 80 minutes rolling her eyes, making wry faces, doing breathtakingly irritating little dances, getting caught in ironic situations, singing Carly Simon tunelessly at the top of her voice and acting with bile-inducing coquettish innocence.
Moments before eyes rolled themselves back entirely and green liquid spews forth.
If there was an Overacting-O-Meter, the needle would have broken the stopper peg, spinning uncontrollably around the dial before catching on fire and disappearing in the rancid, cloying stench of gosh-aren't-I-a-ditz cutesiness. Even a fluffy pink rabbit with big blue eyes and a pink ribbon in its hair would have been scrabbling adorably for a revolver to stick in its rosepetal mouth.
In one scene, while trying to keep pace with side-mouth-mutterer clothespeg old stick Holly Hunter, Murphy was actually gallumphing sideways with oh-so-cute un-selfconscious awkwardness, like little kids do when their mums walk too fast and they are demanding lollies before the harrassed parent makes it through the checkout.
She also danced and/or posed in her undies no less than 10 times for no reason.
Murphy's character, a sweet only-child girl of 20 with talent, grit, determination but a soft-centre of caramel sweetness and vulnerability, was the epitome of pure evil.
The movie is groaning along like a broken-down Cadillac with a wheel falling off, sparks flying from the tailpipe sagging on the road, when the director changes his mind about the whole romantic-comedy angle, having failed to raise a spark of romantic chemistry between the actors, and not a single laugh either. So, abruptly, he tries for black-comedy satire.
She thought the doctor was a podiatrist, but she was a gynaecologist! Drink!
Lampooning the Jerry Springer genre is about as easy as spraying insects with Mortein. Stank nearly as bad in this movie, too. They tried everything to raise a laugh... monkeys, women with implants, midgets... it was all such a self-conscious groan from beginning to end. The patronising 'satire' component of the film served as the 'clever' subplot to Murphy's character resorting to subterfuge and deception, using her TV producer status, to unravel her boyfriend's sexual past.
But no matter who played Murphy's role, the script was so shitty and the characters so unlikable and uninteresting that this plane would have still crashed into the mountain. The Murphy factor just made the scene of the disaster that much more horrific. And, another pet hate of mine, this first-time rookie producer doesn't even pretend to do any work during this movie, yet she is not harrassed by management once. I hate that.
This was truly painful, and I have sat through some absolute stinkers in this genre. What can I tell you, it's a guilty pleasure. But after this experience, I'm gonna steer clear of anything with Murphy's name on the poster.
A horrendous experience.
Actually I have to second your call on Brittany Murphy. She's one of those baffling phenomenons: a talentless success. At least The Zellweger is galvanisingly bad -- so bad I almost enjoy her performances. I always feel with Renée that there are new depths that she's just itching to plumb, and in a way that they've never been plumbed before. The Zelleweger is Book of Revelations bad. You know, the cinematic equivalent of war, famine and pestilence. Whereas Murphy is just bad in a really mundane way, and that's always the worst kind of bad.
Ever since she got a break as the friend in that Silverstone movie, what was it, Valley Girls??, she has been reprising the same annoying role again and again. She is not capable of anything greater.
She sucks, big time. Almost as bad as the Squinty one.
Yeah, of all the actors in that film, she's the one who went on with it. Who woulda thunk it?
Great review Baron. I think you review is better than the movie. I am glad she only had a minor role in Sin City and did not pollute any of Big Marv's scenes. Brittany Murphey is in the credits for King of the Hill. Is it the same one?
I hope that one day someone remakes the Hitchcock movie Rope in the same way they remade Psycho - scene for scene. And in the remake of Rope they have Ledger as the star. That way in the scene that goes for twenty minutes with out a take, Ledger would have chewed completely through his cheek thus rendering him unemployable due to death from blood loss or having no face left.
I thought Ledger was great in Brokeback.
What did you think of the Psycho remake, Chuck? Personally I thought it was an absolute fucking miscarriage -- quite the achievement when you consider that, like you said, they remade it scene for scene.
It's just I didn't catch any of his dialogue. Kind of like street mime.
I agree Hans. Why would anybody try to remake psycho? Agreed it was an abortion. Revenue raising by the studio to make money back from another film that would have bombed. Similar to an RACV policy.
Anne Aeche. Geezus. Just saw a preview of a remake of Night of the Living Dead in 3D. Preview looks okay.
She is by far the superior video picker.
Out of four she will pick usually two really good ones we both haven't seen. Like in that batch, she picked that movie with Christian Bale and the awesome actress from Fargo about the son's fiancee having threesomes with his mum and some band dude. Lucy something? The titles are all in Japanese, I can't tell and they don't give you the cover here, just the cd and a plastic case.
Anyway, apart from her insistence to rent horror all the time, she is far more open-minded and better educated about movies than me.
I am usually drunk by the time we get to the shop and then I rent movies I am excited to watch, then realize I've seen it. Disappointment abounds when we return home.
My reputation as a chooser has been shattered. But fuck... at least I didn't rent 'Swept Away'. She said it was the worst movie she ever saw. But at least I didn't rent THAT. (capitalisation courtesy B1B5)
Is fucking great. Unlike a lot of old horror films that one hasn't dated. It's still as scary as fuck. One of the few genuinely creepy horror films.
Is the movie you're thinking of.
Wax build up Baron. Time to get the ears syringed, old chap.
I understand completely. Shizuka knows her shit. She knows what is good. I would excuse the Swept Away choice out of sheer curiosity to see how bad it was.
What was the Bale movie? Claudia and I watched the original Dark Water Japanese horror film and shat our daks. Near the end we both squealed like girls and Claudia's daughter came running in to see what all the fuss was about.
I had heaps of drugs one night and went to The Peel gay bar in Collingwood. I thought I saw a character from the movie that Bale is in when he is really skinny. I kept asking the guy what it was like to work with Bale but he kept on wanting to go into the toilets.
so i am lucky she can also pick movies.
I think you are thinking of the movie The Machinist. It was pretty fair movie. I like Christian Bale except his mouth is a little weird and sometimes he sucks cheeks Ledger-style.
Japanese horror movies are quite scary. The whole concepts of ghosts is different here. Mostly they are vindictive and wrathful and not to be reasoned with.
I don't like any horror movies except Brain Dead and Bad Taste. I don't like the series of shocks.
It's easy to scare the crap out of someone if you just shoot your victim in close, while the audience knows there's a knife-wielding psycho lurking in the shadows. That's cheap and easy. The good ones are the ones that don't have to resort to that.
Good horror films:
Night of the Living Dead
Dawn of the Dead
Candyman
Blair Witch
The Omen
Scream
There must be heaps more, but I can't think of 'em.
My Fav is Day of the Dead when they are in the underground military base. Fkn cool place to set a zombie film.
Alien, now that's fucking terrifying. Sci-fi horror.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Day_of_the_Dead_%28film%29
Alien Vs Predator can lick my balls though
Bull Shit. As I type I am burning Bad Taste to the iPod right now. Bad Taste is up there. Have you watched the special features?
Haven't seen any of Jackson's films before Heavenly Creatures.
Bad Taste is bad so bad it is good. When the DVD came out and I watched the making of it, I appreciated it a whole it more.
I agree though, I did enjoy Day of the Dead and also the parody version.
'I'm a Derek! Dereks don't run.'
Hans, you should burn with shame. Apart from the whale film and Topless Women Talk About Their Lives, isn't Jackson the only film export of NZ?
Shut, bro! Huv sum pride. And sum chups.
What have you got against the French?
Do you mean Dawn of the Dead parody version?
Jane Campion and Sam Donaldson are both Kiwis. There are other good Kiwi films. In My Father's Den is a cracker. Once Were Warriors dude, as well.
I think I may have also been purged from The Riot Act after just one post.
God damn parochial Canberrans.
this commenting sux donkey balls. I can't follow the thread and the replies at all.
Yeah that is from Bad Taste. Derek says that as he is getting a bazooka out of his car boot.
I'm still a bit pissed that I couldn't make a comment at Sam's site. Who the fuck preemptively bans someone? For all he knew, I could have been a fount of wisdom. Now he'll never know. I'll keep my fucking wisdom to myself.
referring to either of you two. I was talking about the format that this site uses for comments. It's fucking ridiculous. I'll ask BBB if there's a better option available.
a) the accent
b) the stink
c) champagneh
d) any french ambient club music
e) berets
f) not being able to have sex with the woman from Amelie
g) losing wars but always prospering (see Italy)
h) bread sticks
i) The boy's name Jean
k) Eating frogs
l) haw-haw-haw
m) Muraroa Atol
n) Pretentiousness
o) all French clothing designers
p) Them being more sexually liberated
q) Dog shit everywhere
r) Having a giant steel cock as a national symbol
s) The fact Hans Fruck likes French films
t) haw haw
u) that celebrities always mention being in the south of france
v) Princess Diana died there
w) the famous french actor who was in the Davinci Code, sell out cunt
x) wankers
y) thinking their red wine is the best
z) French are haw haw haw brio beret wearers
I thought you were Maximum Lawler?
http://samuelgordonstewart.com/2006/11/impersonators#comments
The Riot Act is a site from the ACT. Whatever snore....
www.the-riotact.com
Don't bother. Canberra orientated. No outsiders allowed.
I think the owner is pissed we innocently called him a man with a rather large girth.
And who is Sam Donaldson. You just made that name up.
But they let England get the shit bombed out of them to save their own arses. My Gran says she will always repect the Germans before the French. And she was bombed by the Germans.
Calmer than you are
why do they always say 'south of france'.
Do people from I from South of America?
Pretentious poo-sniffers.
I just removed my own comment.
why are you dudes bothering? let him and his bum-buddy alone. fucking bores. I want to see how long it takes to get a comment besides john brock who has a bucket with his own name on it under the sink.
hahahahahahaah
agreed I just wanted to see if I could sneak under the wire trap, claymore mines and barbed wire entanglements... Claudia has made it clear that due to his pruges I should not and will not go back.
Who says 'reporting for Samuel's Blog' when it's your own blog and you are copy results off a Tv program or website? And then adds, to make it all official, 'and John Kerr' as if he has a radio station hanging off the mojo wire waiting for him to file urgent copy for the 6 o'clock news?
Fuck him. I'll still read though. It's like crack.
After the 'fuck off' outburst, there's nothing left. he's a boy on the edge. he may go postal and I don't wanna be responsible for that.
Yeah he has withered and waned. It was fun while it lasted. He can fuck off.
...about this, aren't ya? Don't worry, you'll find someone else to persecute on your internet travels.
I can imagine it now. Some poor unsuspecting blogger going about their business informing the world at large about what they had for afternoon tea and what Mrs Dayton said about Mr Williams' chrysanthemums, and then, descending like a ravening flock of seagulls, you lot fly in blotting out the sun, shrieking, screaming, fighting over scraps, and just generally shitting everywhere...
The poor fuck won't know what's hit him/her.
I actually meant Roger Donaldson. Lee Tamahori was the director of Once Were Warriors too.
It has not been easy Hans. I am thinking of contacting Slater & Gordon to help form a class action law suit. My name is now mud in the ACT.
I think Johnboy was pissed that SGS was getting all the good comments and that is why he ratted us out to SGS.
Is there a place to go for banned blog contributers? SGS was like my fight club. Now I can't even get into a damn blood group.
Jesus, that comment must have sat in a moderation queue for about three days. I'm not sure what's happened to my other comment. It takes some of the quicksilvery back and forth out of internet commenting if you take that long to moderate them.
Did I mention I was never coming back here again! I am a man of my word!
You are a free spirit Loki.
Now I have to go as it is Venus Williams birthday and I have a virtual tour of her locker room.
If you had read SGS's editorial policy then you would understand his reluctance in giving posts the green light. He is thinking of employing someone to help moderate the comments. I put my hand up but was not given a response.
Samuel only gets his wisdom from Laslie and John Kerr (not to be confused with the GG). Any sensible advice is cut off at the knees.
... euphemism, Chuck?
More of a piss take. B1_b5 is obessed with ebony babes from the West Coast. He hates ones from the East Coast as one fleeced him for cash once.
Also it is a dig at his abhorrence and disgust towards the normal practice of oral sex between a man and a woman.
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