Published on August 10th, 2006 | by The Beige Baron



Harrison Ford’s been left so haggard and flabby by the ravages of time it’s like watching Grandpa Simpson playing Bond in Golden Eye. Except without the style, humourous one-liners, cool gadgets and sexy women.

In his latest 120-minute cliche Firewall, we’re treated to another glimpse into a world of upper middle-class privilege complete with bowlcut kid, surly teenage daughter and financially independant yet gingham-edged architect wife that still has time to pack the kids’ school lunches. Does only one image of family contentment exist in Hollywood’s mind? I am starting to suspect that to save on the tedious job of creating a suitable family and environment to place around the main character of these kinds of movies, the screenwriters just copy and paste from movies like this and this.

I confess I’m becoming obsessed by it. One day I am going to create The Ultimate White American Family which is broken asunder by The Ultimate Super Villain Terrorist / Bank Robber / Kidnapper / Extortionist. My research into this genre is taking time to complete, but I hope to cast Harrison as the lead sometime after his 90th birthday. Watch out for the Gopher chase scene.

Okay, so we have the cookie cutter family, good old stick-in-the-mud do-your-teeth-son, Honey I’m Off To Work At The Bank Now, I Love You Smooch Smooch Harrison. Enter Villain, cue kidnapping and diabolical plan to rob the bank using poor old gramps with the gammy knee, please please don’t hurt my wife, my son has a peanut allergy, and sit back for two hours until the closing scene of blackened but intact family emerging from smoking ruin of house with villan left contorted and dead on floor with snow pick through the spine.

Shit, sorry, I just gave the ending away. To borrow from Douglas Adams, tension and uncertainty is bad for the constitution, but life is no fun without a little suspense, so I’ll preserve some mystery and leave it to you to guess who sustained the small cut on the forehead during the three-day seige. Was it Bowl? Surly Teen? Watch to find out!

Is this film thrilling enough to merit sitting through the Whites going from Point A to Point B? It actually would be if it wasn’t for squiggly-browed, darting-eyed, moist-lipped Harrison Ford. The movie could have been passable if it had been recast. Steve Buscemi, Jon Lovitz or Paul Giammatti could take over as Harrison, with Halle Berry or Catherine Zeta Jones has the wife. Shit, the whole movie is so absurd we might as well go all the way. Ice Cube would be great as bowl-head, with Hayley Joel-Osmond as the arch supervillan extortionist. If Marlon Brando was still alive, he could play the detective who’s chasing the wrong guy. Fuck it, let’s dig him up anyway and use a bluescreen and hand-trolley and CGI the rest.

With that cast, I’d sit up and take notice. I might even buy some popcorn. As it was, the family, H. Ford and all the rest of the crew were so completely insufferable I was barracking for The Villain and his henchmen.

The Villain was played by some English cock that sounded like Jude Law. He was okay though I guess, at least he wasn’t American. Why can’t these kidnapping / extortion stories happen to dysfunctional coal-mining families instead of upper middle class ones with Mensa certificates on the wall? Then, we might actually give a shit if the hero lived or died. In fact, can’t once, just once, Bowlcut be killed? Like, brutally dismembered? Fed into a combine harvester? Be pushed into a tank full of hammerhead sharks?

Harrison Ford, I’m sick of your dumb movies, everything you have ever done since Star Wars¬†and Indiana Jones has sucked (with the exception of The Fugitive), and your face is all saggy and horrible now and I wish your character was killed because he sucked so much.

Go sail a yacht called The Lark and don’t come back until you’re convincing. Jesus, you’d think this guy would have enough practice at playing Jack the Battler by now, it’s been his meal ticket for the last 20 years of his career. I highly recommend renting this movie if you enjoy hating these kinds of movies as much as I do.

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