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Halt! Who goes there?

Smokers are well used to being hectored in public and private about the evils of their habit. We are variously accused of stealing from honest taxpayers by placing a burden on the health system, bludging on the job by taking a ciggie break, giving others cancer by our second-hand smoke, ruining the environment with discarded cigarette butts, and being utterly selfish by deliberately harming ourselves and hastening our final departure from our loved ones.

To those who put forward these arguments loudly and self-righteously in newspaper 'letters' columns and on blogs, in bars and in office tearooms around the globe, I just hope you never are on a plane full of pious, card-carrying non-smokers when it crash lands on a remote Pacific atoll and it comes time to light a fire.

All the shortcomings of the evil incosiderate smoker are conveniently forgotten when there is a sudden need for fire. Besides the fondly imagined plane-crash scenario, who does the non-smoker turn to when all other lights go out? The answer is not the Star of Elindel. No, it's the brow-beaten, berated bunger-bandits who are asked to dig in the trouser pocket and save the day.

Those Grods fuckers are stealing my limelight. Craig is dashing though.

Over at Grods Corp, the lads have put together a podcast discussing various issues of the week.

In the latest episode The Editor, John Surname, Ant Rogenous, Jeremy Sear and Craig discuss the following:

* The Liberal Party
* Four Corners
* Brendan Nelson
* Kevin Rudd
* WorkChoices
* Bank ads
* Right Wing Death Beasts
* Gun nuts

They prevent shoplifting

A pair of these gloves kostya $40 and on the first trial run they worked a treat. Needing a pair of gloves so I could use the punching bag at the gym without skinning my knuckles, I went to the local sporting goods shop to find a pair. A friend/so called expert said I should just get mits which are smaller version of gloves to start with. I may as well whip the punching bag with a emu feather if I was going to get those. I went for the 16 oz gloves instead so I could punch the bag like Ivan Drago belting Apollo Creed.

I ended up punching the bag like Malcolm Young trying to punch Nikki Sixx as detailed the The Dirt. The gloves fit well and are relatively easy to put on and then take off with a quick tear of the Velcro strap. This helps as one is usually exhausted and does not want to be fumbling around in some desperate attempt to try and pull the gloves off using one’s mouth or other limbs then falling on the ground doing circle work. I did wonder why Kostya Tszyu’s name was stitched to the glove and printed too. I think once would be enough. How many times do sporting stars need their names on a product they endorse. Are their fans that absent minded they would forget? It is boxing remember.

Chuck's signature moveDear bitchface hogging the right lane of the Eastern Freeway today wearing white gloves, with your chins raised displaying your arrogant fucking attitude. If you were my opponent in Burnout I would have taken your fucking Honda down with a signature move.

That's what's great about Burnout: Takedown by EA Games. Your road rage can be taken out in the lounge room with a few laughs as opposed to real weapons under your driver's seat or as I like to call them "pacifiers."

There is no strategy involved with Burnout; only aggressive driving at high speed. No: changing gears, pit stops, changing oil, tyres or winning some gayarse tournament spaying cheap plonk all over some cunts wearing HSV jackets.

Burnout basically works like this. The player can choose from 4 modes: World Tour, Road Rage, Crash and Race. In World Tour mode you complete different races in either the USA, Europe or the Far East. The more you do the more money and points you get to unlock more cars, buses, firetrucks etc to smash shit up with. The tracks are based on real road locations from around the globe. You also get a choice of various cars. My personal favourites are the Muscle car series. There is a Sports car series, Coupe, Dominator and a few others too.

Squadron leader Rogermore buzzes the boys at Old Henley.Today's featured product is the playstation game 'Victory Wings: Zero Pilot Edition' brought to you by the good people at Sammy Microtronix, home of the clinically insane.

The game is set during the bitter months and years of the Crimean War at the turn of last century, when men constructed mechanical 'flight birds' and sat boldly astride them, flying over enemy positions and loosing great vats of boiling oil and sharp pointed darts at the helpless victims below, before wheeling sharply about and high-tailing it home to safety and hot todgers and mash for tea.

As most people know, the Crimean War was fought during the late 1500s between two rival Persian tribes, with the fierce dispute centering around ownership of precious salt deposits on the slopes of Mt Garafaldo.

In truth, Victory Wings allows one to pilot a splendid Spitfire against the Huns in a spectacular recreation of the Battle of Britian. Watch the goggled eyes of the Kraut widen in terror as you hone in on his pathetically outclassed Ju88 bomber, and see him bat away the flames with a frantic gauntlet as the eight rows of your machine gun bullets pummel his flimsy craft into the Thames, wings afire. Laugh a hollow laugh of a man used to living life on the edge of danger before pirouetting off to joust with a brace of dashing BF 109 fighters.

Fireworks: pretty boring unless you're on drugs Since last week’s bout with Samuel Gordon-Stewart, I have been feeling bad. I think I was a little harsh. I stand by what I said, but I think it was the use of the word ‘fuckneck’ that tipped young Sam over the edge. As an act of contrition, I decided to give the young bloke a proper chance and do some serious reading of his website, to, you know, really understand the little fucker a bit better. And you know what – I’m really glad I did.

The first article I read was an interesting, erudite and very even-handed opinion piece on the debate over the banning of fireworks in our great nation’s capital. I enjoyed it and happen to agree with his argument. The original article can be found here.

His solution is so reasonable and well thought out that it could easily be applied to cure many of society’s ills. To prove just how watertight Samuel’s logic really is, I performed a simple experiment: using the Find and Replace function in Word, I substituted the word ‘fireworks’ for ‘drugs’. I left the sentence structure intact and no other words were changed. I think you’ll find that the lad is really onto something here and just wish that the lawmakers and policy wizards would take the youth of today more seriously. So, here it is:

It also comes with George Castanza's handIf you have been listening to 2CC, googling your own name, writing a transcript for your Persiflage or manipulating images to show people what your vision was like before getting spectacles, you may have missed a big announcement today. The Apple iPhone.

Apple bigwig Steve Jobs, unveiled a product that is going to make Apple billions of $ in the years to come. For the last year, rumours have been wild about an iPhone and a true video iPod. I just bought a 5th generation iPod for fucks sake...and just finished paying for it.

In Jobs' keynote speech at Macword 2007, he also unveiled Apple TV. A product that will let you wirelessly stream audio and video content from your Mac to you widescreen TV (if you have one). Whatever. It is no good in Australia as we can't purchase movies or TV shows from the iTunes store here yet.

The French Maid Video Podcast. Well worth the watch.When ever I mention to my alleged friends that I listen to podcasts, they look at me sideways like I am some sort of geek. However, slowly they are all coming around. Up until a few weeks ago I was out on my own - dribbling and walking sideways.

Having no one to chat to about podcasts, except the feedback I sent via email to the host of the particular podcast I had been listening to, I have been in my own private wonderland. One host and one audience member.

I can listen to who I want, where I want, when I want and how I want. I can skip, replay and pause. I can cut out the best audio and make a dance remix using Garage Band by Apple. I can do whatever the fuck it is I like.

Like a piece of shit, will the Zune sink or float when dropped in the dunnyIn an act of defecating, Microsoft dropped its new Zune media player on to the US market last week. Billed by Microsoft marketing morons as 'The iPod Killer', Zune is the latest substandard product that will surely make anyone who buys it, want to take an axe to it, or feel like they have been raped with a cheese grater. Why you ask? Well...

1. If you are a Windows user and have bought your music through the iTunes Store equivalent, Play For Sure, your music will not work on the Zune. Play for sure? My dog has Hitler's brain. What are these guys thinking? Again Microsoft just want to fuck up another person's life.