Earth to Planet Corporate Warrior

After a long day at work, Randall feels on edge.

Recently, I've been sitting at work stewing. Just stewing. Hating it all, all the time.

And all this stewing has made me realise that what I despise most about corporate culture is the doublespeak. The insincerity. The way Bullshit Inc wants to wring every last bit of productivity out of you, but then act as if you're part of a one big, happy family.

But the truth -- the gold-plated, asbestos-insulated, pentium-powered motherfucking truth -- is that they can't have it both ways. THEY CAN'T HAVE IT BOTH WAYS. Corporations are moneymaking enterprises. They're not there to wipe out Third World debt; they're not retirement homes; they're not rehabilitation centres for the disaffected, malcontented, and left behind. Excuse me for going French on your ass, but their raison d'etre is to make money. To do that to the best of their ability, they've got to screw as much work out of their employees for as little cost as they can.

Now that's the fucking truth. It's called capitalism. I know I live in a capitalist country and work for a capitalist organisation. So why pretend?

Because what infuriates me most is the bad faith. Some organisations want to screw you then pretend that they've got your best interests at heart. They're the organisations that put morale-boosting posters on toilet doors about having a laugh a day at work or about there being no problems only challenges. (Well, fuck you very much for that kind corporate announcement.) These are the type of organisations who organise things like "team bonding" sessions or fancy dress days (kill me now). They're the organisations who preface every statement with 'going forward' and call "responsibility" "ownership".

Here's a newsflash for you: calling toilet water ambrosia ain't gonna remove that disturbing flavour. If you're gonna bend me over the partition and give me a good seeing to, at least acknowledge that that's the reality. I mean, let's be honest. Let's call a steaming pile of horseshit... a steaming pile of horseshit -- not phosphate-rich SuperGrow 2000.

Instead of mincing around talking all sorts of bullshit about job satisfaction, pay your staff more or reduce their workload. It's that fucking simple, and if economic reality means you can't do that, then just shut the fuck up about it. Because no one will thank you for organising a social committee or standing next to someone's desk with potlids and smashing them together (I shit you not) each time a "target" is reached.

Companies are always issuing these "you matter to us", "we have your best interests at heart" proclamations, but when push comes to shove, the company, inevitably, is only concerned with the bottom line. And if kicking you in the nuts will improve that bottom line, well, you better hope you've got testes made out of titanium... It's not pleasant, but it's the system. So don't insult the intelligence of your workers by making all sorts of warm and fuzzy feelgood statements that you can't, simply can't, back up. That only makes people feel like dupes.

And please don't expect me to barrack for the company as if it were my football team, because it's not gonna happen. I hate how you're expected to orgasm over the company's latest springloaded turdholder -- because we're all part of a team, right? And that's what teams do. They high five and group hug when sales targets are reached and the latest-and-greatest springloaded turdholders are "rolled out".

Fuck, I hate that go-team, go-team ra-ra-ra bullshit. Seriously. When you pay someone 35k or 40k, or whatever, you're purchasing 7.5 hours work per day. The employee's soul isn't part of the package.

I mean, fuck me, I just about puke my fucking pancreas clear over the cube farm when top brass make all these "Company profits are 5% up this quarter, we've met our budgeted increase in sales" pronouncements. Great. I guess that means I keep my job, then?

But what the nabobs seem to expect is for you to down tools, break out the pom-poms, and then rush around yodelling with jubilation.

Well, "Earth to Planet Corporate Warrior? Come in, please?" I don't fuckin' care. Couldn't give a rat's ass. And in this I speak for a good 85% of your workforce. We want to do our jobs, serve our time, then go home.

Our particular quid pro quo is money for labour. My heart and my soul are my own.

-- Hans Fruck