Disgraced Myself Again

The lacerations will healLast weekend was up there with my usual standard of disasters. The only reason I can remember Saturday night is because I fell through a barbed wire fence and summersaulted onto the back of my head and knocked myself out for a few hours. Why the fuck I was trying to scale a ten foot barbed wire fence only my drunken half knows but hey, it was probably totally reasonable at the time.

It all started on Friday evening when I finished my high-paying powerful-job and was walking down Little Collins st looking at other people seeming like they were having a good time with after work beverages. I felt a bit left out and I didn't want to go home and play Dungeons and Dragons just yet so I walked up to Cookie, ordered a beer and stood in the corner looking busy in case Jesus was watching.

There were two attractive girls sitting next to me (I was standing) and I considered starting some sort of bullshit run-of-the-mill conversation with them. Instead I played with my phone looking like someone had just stood me up. To my surprise one of the girls said "are you meant to be meeting someone?" I said yes and that they had just stood me up. They asked me to join them. They were from Perth and it was their last weekend in Melbourne.

Because my life is a series of fuck-ups and missed opportunities I had a great opportunity to bullshit away to the girls from Perth. I can bullshit to girls. It is the one thing I am a professional at. I don't do it for malevolent purposes, it's just that I can't stand small talk in bars. It bores me.

Anyhow, I didn't need to bullshit to them because the conversation ended up being about what our favourite drinks were. We moved on from Cookie and went to Loop bar. I bought a round of drinks. The girl who started talking to me said she liked me but I liked her friend because we got on really well and I thought she was hot. She started talking about sex and asked what was the weirdest place I'd ever done it. Her friend, who was somewhat prudish, didn't seem overly impressed with the conversation.

I was impressed though. Instead of making up a bullshit story I decided to tell the truth. I said it was not the place that was weird it was who it was with. Intrigued, girl B (the one I fancied) was keen to hear it.

I said I had sex with my best friends step mum at his 21st birthday party. Girl A (the one who originally liked me) turned away. It was her turn for a round of drinks and she didn't buy. It got Girl B's attentions straight away. She wanted all the juicy details and came and sat on my lap as I told her all the sordid details. Basically my friend's step mum had an insatiable sexual appetite and I was drunk and thought it would be a good idea. She dragged me into a spare room and undid my pants and did things to me.... When it got to the having sex part I left my pants on because I thought his Dad was going to walk in and kill me. What flipped me out the most was what she was yelling in her Yorkshire accent. "Fuck my pussy. Make me feel bad. Fuck my pussy....I want to feel bad!"

Halfway through the act I got paranoid and bailed. I didn't have earplugs either. I got in my father's 4WD drive that I had borrowed and sped off down the road spinning out and hitting a tree. I had to explain that one too.

My best mate refused to talk to me for months. I had also crashed his car previously to fucking his mother so he was super pissed at me. I got no Christmas card that year from his family. Anyhow, girl B loved the story and told me one about how she got caught once having sex with her ex-boyfriend by her dad.

The clincher to my story and what made girl B laugh was when I told her my friend 'fessed up to fucking his own stepmother about a year after I did! True.

Anyhow girl A wanted to bail and walked out. Girl B was trying to give me her phone # but girl A fucked us both and had a hissy fit.

Disappointed on missing out on having a fun time with girl B I went to the bottle shop and bought a bottle of Absinthe because I wanted to drink myself to death.

I ended up naked on some tour bus going around the city with people I didn't know.

I was meant to work at 8 am in the morn. I woke up on the floor at work at about midday with an bottle of Valium spread all over the floor. For some reason I thought I might not be able to get to sleep. Luckily no one was there to see me in all my glory.

I got dressed then went straight to the pub. I ate some Valium and drank some scotch. After I went to about a dozen more bars it was now dark. I can't remember which bar I was at but a really attractive Swedish girl called Kasa started chatting to me. I told her I was a stuntman for Neighbours and I did BMX stunts. So I went walking with her to try and show off. I found a barbed wire fence somewhere and tried to scale it. Suffice to say Kasa must not have been impressed with my arse-over-tit display and left me for dead.

How dare those rocks break my fall

End result.

1. Maxed out credit card.

2. Injuries and lacerations to legs, back and head.

3. Missed out on about 5 potential relationships.

4. Lost $500 pair of Ray Bans

5. Another typical weekend

6. I still have Kasa's number but she won't reply to my text messages. I don't know why.