Cloverfield
The star of the "movie"
Biggest load of shit ever. Described as Blair Bitch meets Crapzilla meets: Nokia, Campari, Mountain Dew and various other forms of cross-marketing from intellectual property thief and generally over-rated buffoon JJ Abrams.
Fuck this movie. Fuck it good. Fuck even reviewing it. The film starts with a video camera being found in some park called Central Park and then it is played. I should say at the outset that this movie was ruined by outside forces from the start; otherwise known as bored teenagers who would not shut up even 15 minutes into the opening scene of a going away party being thrown for the film's main protagonist whatever his name is. It could be Jake Gyllenhaal -- they all look the same.
After being told to be quiet by several audience members then still asking 15 minutes into the movie, "has it started yet. Is this the film?" The teenagers got up and moved seats -- one seat away, in my aisle. "This is still shit. I'm still not comfortable," the little cunt said who was nearest to me and I fucken lost it. I yelled, "If you don't shut the fuck up I'm going to make you more uncomfortable by punching your fucking head in." This shut the fucker up but not his harem of hoes. Realising his head was in danger he told the bitches to be quiet. The Hoyts staff then came in to tell them to shut up. The guys ended up leaving with the bitches following soon after. My heart was still pounding with fucking anger and I was fired up. I was going to demolish his face with my fist then proceed to drench his bitches with the contents of their coke cups to teach them a lesson about shopping from Supre: Your One Stop Shop.
That issue aside, what was I saying? Oh yeah JJ Abrams is a copycat over-rated arsehole. So the people in the "film" are at a party and after a long, drawn-out opening sequence that is like drinking paint, a crappy monster comes and kills them all. THE END.
What was/is smart about this film is that really it has no plot and is just one huge ad for some products. The main one's being Nokia, JJ Abrams and his new Star Trek prequel. The second being its potential spin-offs. And the fact it does not have to answer any questions it raises. No wonder the only parts of the plot that were leaked out were from Abrams and co. Because there was nothing else to leak out. Zilch. The actors or crew wouldn't have known what the hell was going on or what the hell the monster was because the audience doesn't either. And the film doesn't try to explain it. That's where it is a smart film. No holes to fill because it is one.
SHUT UP!
Yeah Abrams didn't direct or write it but who cares.
Good review -- I especially enjoyed the part about "punching his head in".
from saturday night.
I was shaking for about a half hour afterwards Hans. They kid was close to copping a well deserved beating. The couple in front of me said thanks. What is with kids these days? In my day I would have had the decency to shut the fuck up from the start. It's the second time I have threatened to rumble some smart arse cunts in a cinema. I'm packing heat and a duster next time I go to the flicks.
I'm going to see No Country for Old Men with my remaining voucher from xmas. Have you seen it? I have heard good reviews.
I didn't really enjoy it ... the shakey cam annoyed the hell out of me, the main actors deserved to have their shit ruined by the monster and the monster looked like shit. However the chicks were hot ... infact that was the first thing someone said out loud as soon as it finished "well at least the chick was hot". I think he summed it up well with that.
Theres another part of me that thinks for what it was, it was done well. Yeah shakey cam sucked, but if you were in that situation you're not exactly going to be mounting your tripod everywhere to take scenic snaps. Also the fact that it really was less about the monster itself and more about the experience of surviving a disaster, lets face it, this movie had huge ties with 9/11. It really is the Blair Witch project but with less witch and more monster.
Spoilers ahead though
The one part that fucking pissed me off is here's a girl with a huge metal pole impaled through her shoulder that is nailing her to the floor. She is pulled up and out of the pole .. DOESN'T BLEED and then proceeds to mount the escape faster than all the non injured people. She might be hot but she's not god damn wonder woman. Also the fact the dude even went back and tried to save her ... if that situation is real, you don't travel all the way through ground zero risking not only the monster attack but it's little buddies that fall of it and the military strikes to rescue a girl based on some bullshit voicemail she left on your phone that sounded like she died half way through the recording, I don't care who you are, that shit doesn't happen .. even if you're one of those turd brained couples who have their own myspace dedicated to their love, you just don't do that.
The Monster was shit, it looked like a god damn retard and kept changing sizes ... one minute it was mixing it up with the tallest skyscrapers and reached up and knocked a high flying helicopter out of the sky ... the next minute you see it in the park and it looks no bigger than an elephant.
Heath Ledger must be spinning in his grave!
KnifepointHighpoint?Cos those little fuckers can call in three Daewoos of cousins posthaste. Good one, though. Cracking up in cinemas is a sadly dying art. My pet hate is the fat cunts who think if you eat it in the dark it has no calories and go crinkle fucking crinkle the entire movie.
No Country For Old Men is superb. Cormac MaCarthy + the Coens = the kind of treat the world should offer up weekly. Then we wouldn't have to go see Cloverfield.
but Eastland (I was wondering if they would call their mates to knock me over the head with, cloth arms, bad hair cuts and fluoro t-shirts). Funnily enough I went back there today to see No Country For Old Men. There were some hicks behind me who had to laugh at every stupid inane ad before the movie and were crunching popcorn. Real simple fellas. I was getting worked up and when the movie started the lights didn't go down. So I guess you could say I was secretly fuming. The simple fellas saving grace was that he went and told the staff about the lights. They then both preceded to think aloud during the whole movie: discussing the weapons, rounds, why this and what that... I felt like pulling some of Anton Chigurh's moves on them. But 'cause they got the lights turned down I bit my tongue. The fuckers didn't know any better.
Agreed. The film was superb. I really liked Josh Brolin too. He was awesome as Llewelyn. Everyone was good. Some parts reminded me of the first Terminator. Very fucken cool.
More Cloverfield spoilers!!!
Monarch,
Everything pissed me off about Cloverfield. Especially that scene you are talking about. Don't forget they also jumped from one skyscraper to another before they pulled her off the reco steel bar before her miraculous recovery. And how was the whole pretending she was dead part when they got there and then her eyes opened... whatever.
The premise of the film was bullshit. You are right:
"if that situation is real, you don't travel all the way through ground zero risking not only the monster attack but it's little buddies that fall of it and the military strikes to rescue a girl based on some bullshit voicemail she left on your phone that sounded like she died half way through the recording, I don't care who you are, that shit doesn't happen .. even if you're one of those turd brained couples who have their own myspace dedicated to their love, you just don't do that."
As fucking if. Then they survive the helicopter crash! WTF. They fell from at least 500 metres to a k from the air. Bullshit complete fucking rubbish.
I read somewhere that the monster looked like the Alien baby from Alien 4. So true. That's what it reminded me of. You know the half Ripley half Alien? Snore...
even more unrealistic (yes I know we're talking about realisim during a giant monster attack, but still) Was the chick that Hud was trying to pick up .. Marlena or something .. she barely knew any of them which she addmitted, so when she has the chance in the ally way to go with the military and be evacuated or stick with the guys she doesn't know, including the creepy bastard trying to pick her up all night and follow them around on a wild goose chase to save a girl she's never met - SHE GOES WITH THEM!
Nowhere near as hot as the others and had way too much screen time. WHY THE FUCK DID SHE GO WITH THEM? Was it because she wasn't absolutely flawless and deserved the worst death ie being bitten by a midget monster then bleeding from every orifice before spontaneously combusting? The hot ones had miraculous revivals as discussed above.
At least LOVE triumphed over everything. Cue vomit.
haha I was reading someone else's review where at the end after the credits you hear one of the two trapped under the bridge whisper "it's still alive" .. apparently someone in that cinema shouted out "who the hell cares, it's shit!" ... it just promts the awesome image of thousands of New Yorkers not standing for this monster attack and berating it in the street, telling it to go away because it's a shit monster - now that would have been a good ending ... sort of like the Mission Imposible game for N64 where the last mission involved you going around and killing the people who made the game (im not joking) they obviously got to the point in the game where they realised how shit it was and thought they should at least give SOMETHING back if they were to still release it ... shame Cloverfield didn't do the same.
I left as soon as the credits rolled fully knowing some shit would come out during or after the credits. It didn't deserve anymore of my time.
Are you serial? They should have done that also to the South Park N64 game.
I'd like to repeatedly punch Abrams in the face the kick him when he is down -- right in the chops. The motherfucker is way more successful than I will ever be and I hate him for it (as well as myself). My hatred aside, he deserves to die and his body stuffed in a hollow log.
Fucking fucked teenagers fucking fucked my viewing of the fillum too.
I also thought it was ordinary.
Be prepared for the sequel. I'm taking earplugs.
Do they even get anybody in there to watch that and say this is unrealistic etc etc.. that movie was the biggest piece of shit from so many stand points… the way it was filmed was interesting, annoying ass hell but ok… as for plot it didn’t really need one because of the nature of the film and who’s perspective we are seeing it on… I think the scene that shitted me the most.. was when the chopper was flying over the city at the end ( WHICH WOULD NOT BE FLYING THAT LOW!!! WHY!!!! Is it because the writers are shit and didn’t know how to finish it.. 1. Hot zone.. 2. Blast shock waves, shrapnel and debris 3. Its not taking AA fire… fucking climb fucker… then u would not get blitzkrieg’ed by the monster… and the B2 spirit… fly’s over stupidly slow…. For a start why are you sending a B2 there are only about 20 in active service… as shit as the movie was I didn’t see a god damn radar dish on the monster with a anti aircraft gun… It’s not Optimus prime… its arm is not about to transform into a flak cannon… send a bunch of b-52s and carpet bomb the shit out of it… napalm… phosphorus…thermite… what the fuck is that thing made of … that it sit’s there taking direct fire and is all good, when a little one jumps of and gets bashed to death by a fire axe in that scene with the leaning building… jesus do they ever watch what the make … could go on for ever… But all ill say is… Don’t watch it, as it is as tedious as LOST to sit through…
HAHHAHA I am dying of laughter. This blog and the posted comments are
infinitely times more entertaining than this piece of crap movie I just watched.
What pisses me off most is that as of today it has grossed something like $170 million after costing only around 30 mil. Hence, despite morons making an utterly ridiculous, idiotic, piece of crap film, they still got paid.. A LOT.
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