Baron flies off handle in bizarre road rage incident
Being on foot was no barrier for The Beige Baron to becoming involved in a road rage incident this afternoon.
The mang flew into a white-hot fury when a young motorist made the mistake of yelling abuse at him for no apparent reason through an open window when the Baron was attempting to cross a busy road with his usual elegance and good humour.
“I don’t what that bastard said,” explained the Baron from the comfort of his home this evening, dressed only in an open bathrobe, aviator shades, a can of cheap bourbon in his hand and thick smears of Vaseline upon his pigeon-like chest.
“Except that there was the word ‘faggot’ was in there somewhere, and that upset me.”
According to eyewitness John Frink, a white Nissan 200X was tooling down the road with windows down and doof music blaring.
“I saw this strange-looking guy in a bathrobe standing on a traffic island in the middle of Toorak Road waiting to cross the northbound lane,” recalled Frink. “The driver shouted some sort of insult through the window and then sped off.”
The Baron filled in the detail: “I could feel the rage building inside me. I didn’t think, a red film just descended over my eyes and I tasted blood. Next thing I knew I was sprinting down the centre lane of the road after the car… and then the set of lights a bit up the road turned red, and suddenly I thought, ‘fuck, I’m going to catch him’”.
Frink: “The guy was running really fast down the road after the car, I saw the driver looking in the rear-view mirror real nervous, but I don’t know why: the sight of a half-naked stick-figure sprinting down the road with a dirty bathrobe streaming out behind him and a six-pack of Jim Beam White in a plastic bag flailing around is hardly a sight to inspire fear… he was running quite fast, though.”
The Baron explained this remarkable turn of speed, a flicker of a smile playing about his lips as he lit a Woodbine: “Yes, I used to run a little in the amateur leagues,” he said.
“Anyway, so the car stopped at the lights – it was a pedestrian crossing – and that cowardly prick must have seen I was getting pretty close and that I was well, ah, kind of psychotic with rage, and liable to do anything. So he ran the lights.”
The Beige Baron’s rage evaporated as quickly as it came. “I felt kind of satisfied. You see, it worked the last time too. I was driving through Sunbury and a bunch of teens yelled ‘faggot’ at me for nothing, so I stopped the truck in the middle of the road and shirt-fronted one of them and started screaming in his face. He turned pale and babbled that he wasn’t talking to me. Dickhead,” he concluded, idly practising his left jab.
The Baron admitted his intense reactions to cowardly acts whereby large groups of people yell abuse or pick on people who are by themselves before running away had got him in trouble in the past.
“Well, I was once about to be mugged by a pack of drunken youths in the unpopular end of Oxford Street. They demanded a cigarette, a formed a threatening circle around me, so I recommended they check out seek.com.au on their mum and dad’s computer and get a job and buy their own goddamn smokes. I ended up in St Vincent’s.”
Nonetheless, the Beige Baron says he will continue to retaliate to such acts of rampant boganism, so long he was fairly certain of getting in the first blow, few witnesses and had a clear escape route.
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